Sailing Into New Waters

When my granddaughter Corwin was 6 years old and my then-husband Dick's granddaughter Andrea was 7, we took them with us for a week on our catamaran, docked in Beaufort, SC. We'd planned well and thought we had everything covered, from safety harnesses they'd wear clipped to the lines when out on the deck to a portable TV and kids' movies to keep them occupied during the long drive from Cincinnati and as back-up entertainment on the boat.

On arrival we had the usual luggage and supplies to cart aboard, though tired from the long drive and from our new responsibility to assure the well-being of two little girls. They were beyond excited but we were a bit grumpy and told them in rather sharp terms to go to their cabin and get ready for bed.

Finally unwound, I was sitting in the salon sipping a glass of wine when four little bare feet pranced up next to me and Corwin (the brave one) said, "Grammy, we'd like to say something. We've never been on a boat so we don't know what to do, and when you and Dick get mad it scares us."

Such straight talk from this dark-haired imp brought me to full awareness that we hadn't created the sense of fun we wanted the week to hold for them. With Dick's amused agreement, I said, "Well, you know, girls, everybody has a good side and a naughty side that sometimes pops up when we aren't even aware of it. So let's give a name to Dick's naughty side and mine. Then all you have to do if you feel scared or upset is to call us by our naughty name, and that will remind us to show how much we love you and not act so serious and grown-up."

After much giggling, the girls named Dick's grumpy side "Black Bart" and mine "Cruella." Of course they tested us, but even that turned into a game. The girls would look at one of us with arms akimbo and "Black Bart" would stalk toward them like a bear as they ran away with happy screeches, or "Cruella" would grab for them with fingers bent like claws and cackle as they danced around, laughing.

And, this was not simply a child's game. Whenever people of any age can lay bare a pattern of behavior, they're using systems thinking to identify an archetype. You can do the same in any relationship by naming the pattern and its effects without blame, stepping back together to see the bigger picture, and finding a playful way to interrupt the pattern.

Try it, you'll like it!