The Sky is Falling! Enneagram Four and Six in Relationship

"I'm an Enneagram Four and my husband is a Six. We've recently adopted our first child and, though we're overjoyed to have a new addition in our lives, this is also a sleepless time as we adjust to our new roles. I'm particularly stressed because lately my husband seems less like my helpmate and more like an additional child, whose fears I must constantly calm. I feel as if I live with Chicken Little who's constantly crying "The sky is falling!" Any suggestions about how I can better cope with this portion of my spouse's personality, or ways I can make him feel more secure and less pessimistic?"

First children can be stressful for any number of reasons -- lack of sleep, changing roles, new responsibilities. According to psychologist Frank Pittman in Man Enough, complicated feelings are evoked in men when children enter the family. Children seem to evoke both the Shadow inner child and inner parent.

Further, our society still pushes parenting more squarely on the mother, who may feel as if she now has two children. Actually, this could happen any time the wife nurtures someone else. For example, a Nine wife spent two weeks helping her mother recuperate from broken ribs, expecting she could return to her Eight husband and nestle under his protective arm. WRONG! He was feeling needy because she'd been gone, but of course couldn't admit it, so the re-entry was tough for both of them. 

With the stresses of becoming a mother, it's possible you're connecting more with your Two energy. This has its up and down sides –  on the down side wanting to be reassured the relationship is working and/or being more highly self-absorbed and thus having more difficulty relating to your spouse in customary ways (paradoxically, with increasing fears of abandonment). At the same time he may be showing some Three patterns: self-doubt, a higher need for approval and support, and feeling competitive (of the new child in this case), with increased fear of rejection.

People with Enneagram style Four often have a unique, protective energy toward children and animals (perhaps some internal re-parenting is taking place?), so you may be focusing so much on your new child you're not offering your husband the love and attention he's accustomed to. That's neither good nor bad, but you might ask yourself if you're living some of your own unmet needs from childhood through this new little person in your life?

A friend offered the following:

"My Six husband has been good for me. As a Four who feels flawed, his undying loyalty is a gift: he's there for me. But if we'd met at an earlier point in time – when he was more into his anger and I was more into my self-absorption – it might not have gone so smoothly.

There can be a problem when Fours are very verbal and like to process a lot of emotions, because when a Six is hurting that's the last thing he wants to do, even if she just asks questions. What the Six needs is space.

It can also be a problem when Fours pull back emotionally because of all the attention a child needs, which a Six could take personally. The Six tends to say, 'It's my fault' or 'I've got to fix it.'

Any new mother is going to be physically tired, and the things men take as affirmation will go down the tubes. So it may help if she explains to her husband what's going on: 'Right now I'm stressed out and I'm pulling back because I'm trying to survive.' He'll probably be O.K. with that because it's not about their relationship, he's not looking for a hidden agenda, not worrying she's going to spring something on him."

You can't make your husband feel more secure and less pessimistic; that's his work. But you can look at yourself and work on your own stresses; making it more likely your love for him will be clear and tangible. 

Two Peas in a Pod (Well... one is a Snow Pea): Enneagram Four & Five in Relationship

My wife is an Enneagram Five and I'm a Four. Could you give some relationship growth tips or write a scenario? We know several 4-5 couples; they seem to be complementary. My wife is an ISTP on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and I'm ENFJ.

I agree that Four/Five is often a complementary pairing. I've seen this with friends and with business clients. Both like to "go inside," though as pointed out by Helen Palmer (The Enneagram in Love and Work) and Michael Goldberg (The 9 Ways of Working), the Four's retreat is emotional while the Five's is intellectual. This pairing's comfort with each other is also affected by MBTI preferences. A key MBTI factor for the Four/Five pairing is whether each is extroverted or introverted. 

I say this because Fours and Fives are both "withdrawing" styles, and in this way are more similar than complementary. Friends who want to spend time with them as a couple may not think it's such a great combination, because Four/Fives tend to withdraw together and away from others, especially under stress, and this becomes exaggerated when they're both introverts. 

So when the Four is extroverted, this will mitigate somewhat against the couple's dual tendency to withdraw (it's even possible the Five would be extroverted, though that's rare). When this couple does withdraw, they typically don't see it as a problem. My friends (he's a Four–INFJ, she's a Five–INTP) love nothing better than to sit at home on Saturday night with a good bottle of wine and a roaring fireplace; and it's hard to cajole them into doing anything else. The Four wants to nurse any outstanding wounds left over from the week, and the Five needs a break from interaction with others during the week.  

In terms of development, Enneagram Fours benefit from working toward their ideals and not being "bummed out" by their or others' feelings. Style Fives, being dispassionate observers, can be a good model for this and a good source of advice for Fours. Fives need to place more value on feelings and share their own feelings more generously, which they can learn from their Four partners. Probably the biggest area of mutual growth for this pair has to do with negotiating boundaries. No matter how much they may be a fortress for each other against the stresses of the world, style Four will typically want more attention and interaction than style Five easily gives. It's maturing for Fours to need less interaction and for Fives to give more, so as they accommodate each other they simultaneously develop themselves.

As an aside, if blame is going to occur it will often come from style Four suggesting style Five is somehow deficient. The relationship will be healthier if Fours accept it's easier to pull back than it is to move out. I once suggested the metaphor of a giant sea snail to a style Five client, who could easily see herself ducking back into her shell when emotions were heightened.

FIRO-B is a helpful measure of needs for inclusion and affection (this instrument also measures control needs). The inclusion measure determines the extent of contact an individual seeks and wishes from others; the affection measure determines the amount of closeness a person seeks and wishes from others. If you've been together for a while, you've probably already figured this out in practical terms. But I'd encourage you to check out your assumptions.

A Four in therapy said, "Our efforts last week were a failure. He agreed to show me more appreciation, but it didn't happen!" Her Five partner responded, "But I did! I praised you to our daughter and you were standing right there!" So, when asking for something from the other, make sure you define your needs clearly in behavioral terms ("video-speak," what would it look like if someone saw you?). Then, appreciate each other for incremental steps in the desired direction.