"How," not "Why," is the Question

To more fully understand the couple in the Plus ça change blog entry, it helps to know that people with the husband's personality -- point Nine in the Enneagram personality system -- tend to go along with others' ideas yet feel unspoken resentment when they stifle their own agenda. At the same time, they are peacemakers and want to be reassured that even their unexpressed annoyance has not created a disruption.

Thus, the husband wanted to snuggle up to his wife, who was very aware of his "pouting" and didn't feel so inclined.

Those of the wife's personality -- point Eight in the Enneagram -- typically have plenty of ideas but often succumb temporarily to their enthusiasms and/or forget to include their partners. This couple might have been drawn together initially because of their mutual comfort with the wife providing structure, then both began to feel some pain from that same dynamic.

What's fascinating about this couple is that we did not spend time exploring their personality patterns so they could understand why they were having difficulty. Instead, I asked questions to help them look closely at what each of them did and said, so they could see how they were unwittingly feeding their interaction pattern. This works in the same way as interrupting a personal pattern. You look carefully at how the pattern operates, then find a way to playfully interrupt it, so it loses its "juice."

Reflective Action: Enneagram Point Six and Point Nine Partnerships

Mutuality 

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life, relationships in which we listen and are listened to, know and are known, where we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development: a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. 

However, partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding typical patterns of the nine different points can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities. 

Any Enneagram combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're operating from point Three and interacting with point Eight you might find that both of you (for different reasons) are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing the more relational partner will give the more independent partner a little more space and the latter will accede to the former's desire for a bit more interaction.

Focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. The possibilities are illustrated here with partners at points Six and Nine. 

Point Six  

Those of us within the constellation of patterns at Enneagram point Six are relationship-oriented and motivated to feel secure. At our best we're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. We're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and we attend to interdependent needs. What this Enneagram point personifies for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded.

Typically, those fixated at this point felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the downside, they tend to check for hidden agendas in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

They may either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. They too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Point Six patterns include two distinct expressions of fear. One can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), or one can fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most tend to challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, their candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, those at Six who are self-aware are highly relationship-oriented and can bring out the best in their partners, working tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense. 

Point Nine 

People stuck at point Nine are motivated to keep the peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They honor diversity, nurture cooperation, and are typically skilled at building consensus. Unexamined Enneagram Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically forget any childhood difficulties they experienced and may be unaware of the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves.

From this history, when conflict arises, they typically take an implicit power-under position, withdrawing or minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective. 

In organizations, those showing point Nine patterns usually do very well until expected to be decisive, which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. Though they typically seek consensus, they can become quite stubborn about opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, they may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

If those at point Nine go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partner becomes tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed point Nine personifies for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. A deep emotional fatigue sets in when forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress, because being out of touch with what one wants makes it difficult to act on one's own priorities.

Well-developed people at point Nine are serene and centered safe harbors for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.  

How Point Nine Sees Point Six 

Those at point Six are quite aware of their own boundaries, so aren't a big threat to point Nines' fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of point Nines' defensiveness when feeling discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Those at point Six, with their personal radar, can be sensitive to the partner's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nine becomes more self-aware because of Six's honesty.

Point Six, usually spontaneous and open with feelings, can balance Nine's more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. Nine may not know how to directly express unhappiness with circumstances or people and are stimulated to action by Six's willingness to state the obvious. In fact, Six's tendency toward self-disclosure is a wonderful model for Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: Nine can learn from Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences. 

How Point Six Sees Point Nine 

Point Six learns to be more centered and self-referencing from serene point Nine, which reduces their self-questioning and promotes a sense of peacefulness. From their power-under perspective, they're on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nine, who is not overtly interested in holding power.

Because point Nine is calm and reassuring, this provides a model for living with more ease and tend to balance Six's emotional intensity. Seeing Nine as a safe harbor, Six feels liked and allows a deeper self to show. This can strengthen belief in one's best self. When things are going well, Nine is generous with praise of Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nine can help Six to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Nine will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Six is more likely to act without a great deal of reflection.  

Potential Problem Areas 

On the downside, Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to Six's emotional presence. Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to Nine. Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus, in a search for stability, Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but Nine may take that to be Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match Six's current state. 

Also, the very activeness that draws Nine to Six may cause difficulty. Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push Nine to become more active, which can feel like bossiness, and Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. 

From the perspective of Six, Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. Six may want to engage in the moment and is likely to interpret Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements Six may be disappointed in Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side or, worse, to remain silent or even withdraw. Over time, Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the other. This could well show up as criticizing Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others. 

Coming Home: Enneagram Nines and Ones in Relationship

Style Nine

Unawakened Enneagram Nines can be easy to get along with because they're likely to go along with most anything (whatever others are interested in); over time this can wear thin, as others in relationship with Nines find themselves doing most of the planning. Also, it may be particularly annoying to co-workers and friends that Nines find it easier to focus on what they don't want. For example, going along with someone's suggestion, then complaining about the activity once they're in it.

Style Nines may back off from conflict and deal with their anger indirectly. They'll try to maintain their image as "nice" people, by withdrawing (either physically or mentally) from potential confrontation or by minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. Their partners want to be met half-way, to talk openly about their difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

There can be benefits in their withdrawing if they use the space to get in touch with their true feelings and figure out what they do want, so they can come back to their partner with more clarity. When withdrawing is a habitual avoidance, however, they're likely to be unable or unwilling to come face to face with their own contribution to problems in the relationship. At this extreme, their need to feel comfortable (and/or to blame their co-worker or partner) keeps them from sharing responsibility for creating an authentic connection. 

Style One 

Though it's not always apparent, style Ones are "compliant;" moving toward people, seeking affection and approval in their attempts to "do good" or "be good." They'll automatically try to live up to others' expectations, for themselves as parents and spouses or as model co-workers, even to the extent of losing sight of their own feelings and needs.

Unfortunately, their self-esteem may rise and fall with others' approval or disapproval. Thus, rejection or even criticism is very difficult for them. Paradoxically, their own internal critic is often projected outward, when they feel it's justified (i.e., their partner has done something "wrong"). Their anger can show up as cold annoyance or sarcasm, or even as a moral tirade largely out of proportion to the precipitating event. However, self-aware Ones are truly good, and can be counted upon to respond to even the most stressful demands from people they respect and/or love. 

Mutual Development 

As you think about the individual gifts and blind spots of styles One and Nine, you can begin to speculate how their similarities and differences might trigger difficulties in a relationship. In the discussion below of the three-step model for mutual development, the One/Nine partnership is used for purposes of illustration, but the model applies to any pairing:

(1) Talk about your implicit beliefs and explicit behaviors; become aware of mutually self-defeating patterns:

Acknowledge that you're bound by patterns of interaction and it's difficult to see how you help create problems because you're part of that pattern. This requires going beyond a theoretical discussion of your Enneagram style, observing yourself and soliciting feedback about the ways your style manifests in you.

If you're style One, for example, and don't see yourself as someone who's "punitive," review your history without judgment, ask yourself about times when you felt justifiably angry, and recall how you framed that anger to the person who was the target. If you're style Nine and don't see yourself as "passive-aggressive," do the same.

Seek feedback from the other about what may have seemed punitive or passive-aggressive to them or how they might have observed that behavior in your treatment of someone else. Make it real for you, whatever terminology fits the way you operate.

(2) Envision the transformed relationship and commit yourselves to learning as you go:

Once you have a shared vision of how you want the relationship to thrive, you can commit yourselves to mutual learning about your progress toward that goal - observing your own behavior, but also soliciting and accepting feedback from each other. Whether you're working together or in a personal relationship, appreciate the fact that style One's occasional moral tirades may hook style Nine's tendency to withdraw from confrontation.

Your vision could include a commitment from style One to look for triggers to anger and to be descriptive and nonjudgmental about what's irritating before it reaches volcanic proportions. Style Nine could commit to staying emotionally present and being assertive.

These actions will be mutually developmental, because:(a) learning to give descriptive feedback helps Ones become less judgmental, and (b) knowing Ones expect an assertive response gives Nines more determination to hang in and not withdraw.

As in Step (1) above, observe your own behavior and solicit feedback from each other. Note the situations where you're able to remain unhooked and determine what you did to make that happen. Do more of it.

(3) Be alert to how you get in the way of your own progress and stay committed to the transformation:

Note the situations where you slip into the old, self-defeating routine, try to remain nonjudgmental and explore together what triggered it, where either one of you could have done something to break the cycle; then make a commitment to try again the next time.

For example, if either partner responds to feedback defensively, describe that response non-judgmentally, as if holding up a mirror (e.g., "I just told you how I want to be treated, as we agreed I would do, and you continued to criticize me, so I'm feeling tempted to fall back into my pattern of retreating." Or, "You stuck with me this time instead of withdrawing, but it feels as if you want to put the whole blame on me, and that's hard for me to accept. How could we share responsibility for making this more constructive?")

Styles One and Nine Together 

The additional examples below for the One/Nine partnership are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions. You can continue this exercise with more of your own:

(a) Both Nines and Ones are comfortable with routine, perhaps too comfortable. It would be mutually beneficial if they commit together to breaking this pattern. The more fun they make this exercise, the better. Nines can be a bit serious, and Ones, as well, need to develop their wacky side.

(b) The most obvious dynamic where both Ones and Nines stand to gain by self-observation, mutual feedback, and development is in their common difficulty with anger. They both need to identify and describe how their anger shows up, to discuss with each other what triggers it, what form it takes, how aware they are of it, and what alternatives they can create to respond differently.

(c) These partners can complement each other because Nines see many sides of a situation and Ones tend to be black and white in their thinking. At a superficial level they may seem compatible because Nines will tend to accommodate when Ones have strong opinions, but this can get old for both of them (perhaps more for the Nine than for the One):

The Nine viewpoint is a natural counterpoint if Ones choose to develop more creative thinking patterns. Ones could ask Nines: "What are some other ways to think about this?" This is simultaneously developmental for Nines, who learn their opinions do matter.

Nines could ask their One partners for advice on how to take a stand when something's really important. Because Ones love to teach, this brings their natural gift into the relationship and builds their esteem.

(d) Ones can be demanding, and consequently critical when their wishes aren't met. When the Nine doesn't do what the One expects, instead of "Why did you/didn't you...?" (which is really a criticism in disguise) the One can invite an analysis of the process: stating observations in specific, descriptive terms and asking for help to break the dysfunctional interaction. When the One is less punitive, the Nine can more easily stay engaged until the situation is resolved.

(e) It's developmental for style Ones to learn to give more praise, even if someone's behavior doesn't meet their ultimate standard. By using appreciative feedback, aimed at incremental steps in the desired direction, they're released from seeking total perfection. Style Nines benefit from applying the same technique, instead of focusing on what they don't like. Agreeing both will use appreciative feedback offers this pair the opportunity to model and learn from each other.

(f) Both need to practice a centering discipline: style Nine to develop focus, style One to develop patience. They could take a class together in yoga, t'ai chi, and/or meditation and decide together how to apply it in everyday life. In addition, Nines develop by taking initiative, by not waiting for their partners to choose what they do together. So if they do agree to take a class, the Nine could arrange it. Ones forget to take care of their own needs, so it will be mutually developmental if the One reinforces the Nine's efforts by joining in.

Coming Home

These few examples will stimulate your thinking about other ways Ones and Nines together can transcend their old routines and interpersonal "ruts."

In addition, you can apply this model to all your relationships. Keep in mind it's a real loss of your developmental potential to maintain the status quo. Even worse, you can undermine any relationship by acting on negative expectations based on someone's Enneagram style (e.g., "He'll never change; it's too important to him to be right!" or "She'll never take the initiative to change.").

Margaret Frings Keyes says it succinctly:

"The commonest path to self-knowledge...is often not recognized as such. Partnership...is a lifetime training discipline without equal when we pursue it with commitment."

Partnership is also the place where we can come home to ourselves. Through our truly authentic relationships we come to accept ourselves fully.

The Sky is Falling! Enneagram Four and Six in Relationship

"I'm an Enneagram Four and my husband is a Six. We've recently adopted our first child and, though we're overjoyed to have a new addition in our lives, this is also a sleepless time as we adjust to our new roles. I'm particularly stressed because lately my husband seems less like my helpmate and more like an additional child, whose fears I must constantly calm. I feel as if I live with Chicken Little who's constantly crying "The sky is falling!" Any suggestions about how I can better cope with this portion of my spouse's personality, or ways I can make him feel more secure and less pessimistic?"

First children can be stressful for any number of reasons -- lack of sleep, changing roles, new responsibilities. According to psychologist Frank Pittman in Man Enough, complicated feelings are evoked in men when children enter the family. Children seem to evoke both the Shadow inner child and inner parent.

Further, our society still pushes parenting more squarely on the mother, who may feel as if she now has two children. Actually, this could happen any time the wife nurtures someone else. For example, a Nine wife spent two weeks helping her mother recuperate from broken ribs, expecting she could return to her Eight husband and nestle under his protective arm. WRONG! He was feeling needy because she'd been gone, but of course couldn't admit it, so the re-entry was tough for both of them. 

With the stresses of becoming a mother, it's possible you're connecting more with your Two energy. This has its up and down sides –  on the down side wanting to be reassured the relationship is working and/or being more highly self-absorbed and thus having more difficulty relating to your spouse in customary ways (paradoxically, with increasing fears of abandonment). At the same time he may be showing some Three patterns: self-doubt, a higher need for approval and support, and feeling competitive (of the new child in this case), with increased fear of rejection.

People with Enneagram style Four often have a unique, protective energy toward children and animals (perhaps some internal re-parenting is taking place?), so you may be focusing so much on your new child you're not offering your husband the love and attention he's accustomed to. That's neither good nor bad, but you might ask yourself if you're living some of your own unmet needs from childhood through this new little person in your life?

A friend offered the following:

"My Six husband has been good for me. As a Four who feels flawed, his undying loyalty is a gift: he's there for me. But if we'd met at an earlier point in time – when he was more into his anger and I was more into my self-absorption – it might not have gone so smoothly.

There can be a problem when Fours are very verbal and like to process a lot of emotions, because when a Six is hurting that's the last thing he wants to do, even if she just asks questions. What the Six needs is space.

It can also be a problem when Fours pull back emotionally because of all the attention a child needs, which a Six could take personally. The Six tends to say, 'It's my fault' or 'I've got to fix it.'

Any new mother is going to be physically tired, and the things men take as affirmation will go down the tubes. So it may help if she explains to her husband what's going on: 'Right now I'm stressed out and I'm pulling back because I'm trying to survive.' He'll probably be O.K. with that because it's not about their relationship, he's not looking for a hidden agenda, not worrying she's going to spring something on him."

You can't make your husband feel more secure and less pessimistic; that's his work. But you can look at yourself and work on your own stresses; making it more likely your love for him will be clear and tangible.