Reflective Action: Enneagram Point Six and Point Nine Partnerships

Mutuality 

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life, relationships in which we listen and are listened to, know and are known, where we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development: a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. 

However, partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding typical patterns of the nine different points can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities. 

Any Enneagram combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're operating from point Three and interacting with point Eight you might find that both of you (for different reasons) are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing the more relational partner will give the more independent partner a little more space and the latter will accede to the former's desire for a bit more interaction.

Focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. The possibilities are illustrated here with partners at points Six and Nine. 

Point Six  

Those of us within the constellation of patterns at Enneagram point Six are relationship-oriented and motivated to feel secure. At our best we're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. We're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and we attend to interdependent needs. What this Enneagram point personifies for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded.

Typically, those fixated at this point felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the downside, they tend to check for hidden agendas in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

They may either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. They too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Point Six patterns include two distinct expressions of fear. One can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), or one can fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most tend to challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, their candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, those at Six who are self-aware are highly relationship-oriented and can bring out the best in their partners, working tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense. 

Point Nine 

People stuck at point Nine are motivated to keep the peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They honor diversity, nurture cooperation, and are typically skilled at building consensus. Unexamined Enneagram Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically forget any childhood difficulties they experienced and may be unaware of the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves.

From this history, when conflict arises, they typically take an implicit power-under position, withdrawing or minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective. 

In organizations, those showing point Nine patterns usually do very well until expected to be decisive, which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. Though they typically seek consensus, they can become quite stubborn about opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, they may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

If those at point Nine go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partner becomes tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed point Nine personifies for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. A deep emotional fatigue sets in when forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress, because being out of touch with what one wants makes it difficult to act on one's own priorities.

Well-developed people at point Nine are serene and centered safe harbors for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.  

How Point Nine Sees Point Six 

Those at point Six are quite aware of their own boundaries, so aren't a big threat to point Nines' fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of point Nines' defensiveness when feeling discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Those at point Six, with their personal radar, can be sensitive to the partner's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nine becomes more self-aware because of Six's honesty.

Point Six, usually spontaneous and open with feelings, can balance Nine's more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. Nine may not know how to directly express unhappiness with circumstances or people and are stimulated to action by Six's willingness to state the obvious. In fact, Six's tendency toward self-disclosure is a wonderful model for Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: Nine can learn from Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences. 

How Point Six Sees Point Nine 

Point Six learns to be more centered and self-referencing from serene point Nine, which reduces their self-questioning and promotes a sense of peacefulness. From their power-under perspective, they're on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nine, who is not overtly interested in holding power.

Because point Nine is calm and reassuring, this provides a model for living with more ease and tend to balance Six's emotional intensity. Seeing Nine as a safe harbor, Six feels liked and allows a deeper self to show. This can strengthen belief in one's best self. When things are going well, Nine is generous with praise of Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nine can help Six to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Nine will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Six is more likely to act without a great deal of reflection.  

Potential Problem Areas 

On the downside, Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to Six's emotional presence. Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to Nine. Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus, in a search for stability, Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but Nine may take that to be Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match Six's current state. 

Also, the very activeness that draws Nine to Six may cause difficulty. Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push Nine to become more active, which can feel like bossiness, and Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. 

From the perspective of Six, Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. Six may want to engage in the moment and is likely to interpret Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements Six may be disappointed in Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side or, worse, to remain silent or even withdraw. Over time, Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the other. This could well show up as criticizing Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others. 

The Sky is Falling! Enneagram Four and Six in Relationship

"I'm an Enneagram Four and my husband is a Six. We've recently adopted our first child and, though we're overjoyed to have a new addition in our lives, this is also a sleepless time as we adjust to our new roles. I'm particularly stressed because lately my husband seems less like my helpmate and more like an additional child, whose fears I must constantly calm. I feel as if I live with Chicken Little who's constantly crying "The sky is falling!" Any suggestions about how I can better cope with this portion of my spouse's personality, or ways I can make him feel more secure and less pessimistic?"

First children can be stressful for any number of reasons -- lack of sleep, changing roles, new responsibilities. According to psychologist Frank Pittman in Man Enough, complicated feelings are evoked in men when children enter the family. Children seem to evoke both the Shadow inner child and inner parent.

Further, our society still pushes parenting more squarely on the mother, who may feel as if she now has two children. Actually, this could happen any time the wife nurtures someone else. For example, a Nine wife spent two weeks helping her mother recuperate from broken ribs, expecting she could return to her Eight husband and nestle under his protective arm. WRONG! He was feeling needy because she'd been gone, but of course couldn't admit it, so the re-entry was tough for both of them. 

With the stresses of becoming a mother, it's possible you're connecting more with your Two energy. This has its up and down sides –  on the down side wanting to be reassured the relationship is working and/or being more highly self-absorbed and thus having more difficulty relating to your spouse in customary ways (paradoxically, with increasing fears of abandonment). At the same time he may be showing some Three patterns: self-doubt, a higher need for approval and support, and feeling competitive (of the new child in this case), with increased fear of rejection.

People with Enneagram style Four often have a unique, protective energy toward children and animals (perhaps some internal re-parenting is taking place?), so you may be focusing so much on your new child you're not offering your husband the love and attention he's accustomed to. That's neither good nor bad, but you might ask yourself if you're living some of your own unmet needs from childhood through this new little person in your life?

A friend offered the following:

"My Six husband has been good for me. As a Four who feels flawed, his undying loyalty is a gift: he's there for me. But if we'd met at an earlier point in time – when he was more into his anger and I was more into my self-absorption – it might not have gone so smoothly.

There can be a problem when Fours are very verbal and like to process a lot of emotions, because when a Six is hurting that's the last thing he wants to do, even if she just asks questions. What the Six needs is space.

It can also be a problem when Fours pull back emotionally because of all the attention a child needs, which a Six could take personally. The Six tends to say, 'It's my fault' or 'I've got to fix it.'

Any new mother is going to be physically tired, and the things men take as affirmation will go down the tubes. So it may help if she explains to her husband what's going on: 'Right now I'm stressed out and I'm pulling back because I'm trying to survive.' He'll probably be O.K. with that because it's not about their relationship, he's not looking for a hidden agenda, not worrying she's going to spring something on him."

You can't make your husband feel more secure and less pessimistic; that's his work. But you can look at yourself and work on your own stresses; making it more likely your love for him will be clear and tangible. 

Nip and Tuck: Enneagram Eight and Six in Relationship

Question: I'm an Enneagram Eight and my boyfriend a Six... we're having trouble relating. Any ideas?

First, I recommend the most difficult possible task for style Eight: Make yourself vulnerable in the relationship. Move away from any criticism of your partner and focus only on yourself. 

Before you faint, read about Keyes' four relationship stages. All relationships go through conflict on the path to intimacy. Pay special attention to the fourth option under Stage 3: "Move our attention away from how we and our partner should be and toward who we and our partner are." 

Then try out the following exercises (it's ideal if your partner does the same; if not, the important work is with yourself, and surprisingly, even if only you do this work, your relationship will change for the better).

PARTNERSHIP EXERCISE (instead of focusing on the other's failings, notice without judgment what you do to trigger, incite, escalate conflict):

OWN UP TO THE PART YOUR SHADOW PLAYS IN THE RELATIONSHIP. What aspects of yourself have you disallowed and disowned? Talk about this with your partner. The biggest "no-no" for the Eight is weakness, so anything your partner does that seems wimpy to you will probably trigger some projection on your part.

Other ways to get to know your shadow:

Ask your partner for feedback and listen to it -- what do you dislike/have little patience for in others? It's quite likely these are aspects of yourself you've disowned.

• Work with your dreams (there are a number of good books on how to do this).

• Even if you aren't interested in poetry, read poems that evoke the underlying dynamics of your personality style - sit with them, and write down what comes up for you. Talk about this with your partner.

ACKNOWLEDGE HOW THE OTHER'S DEFENSIVENESS SHOWS UP. But instead of focusing on your partner, ask yourself:

• What do I do to trigger my partner's defensiveness?

• What do I do to escalate the situation when my partner gets defensive?

ACKNOWLEDGE AND DISCUSS YOUR KEY DEVELOPMENT NEEDS. For style Eight it's innocence; for style Six it's courage. Now ask yourself, "What could I do to surface and reinforce my partner's higher self?"

Baron and Wagele (Are You My Type, Am I Yours?) suggest Enneagram Eights may have trouble with style Sixes because they "try my patience with their excessive deliberating, stew about scenarios that are probably never going to happen, are afraid to try new things." Enneagram Sixes may have trouble with style Eights because they're "as strong-willed as I am, so we lock horns hopelessly in arguments; have no tolerance for my fretting; try to boss me around."

Michael Goldberg (The Nine Ways of Working) writes: "If you blow off (the) Six's concerns as weak or pointless (as) some Eights do, you stand a good chance of missing something important." Or (to the Six about the Eight) "She's tempted to test you constantly (Are you a wimp? Do you mean what you say?), but you don't have to rise to the bait. Your strong sense of your own authority - all the best Sixes have it - will save you." 

Helen Palmer moves closer to mutual development in The Enneagram in Love and Work: "The subtext of this struggle is power. The Eight can't surrender control until a mate looks strong and trustworthy, and the Six can't commit fully until the Eight looks less dangerous. Paradoxically some horrendous battles can have positive repercussions in this relationship. The Six has been goaded into terrifying displays of anger, has said the worst, and has survived." Or, "The Six has been bullied into setting the necessary boundaries. The Eight sees the limits and doesn't have to push further for the truth."

For mutual development, you and your partner might consider these ideas: 

• Because you feel so responsible, there may be times when you focus over-much on what your partner needs to do developmentally. This is particularly likely to happen when there's no challenge that draws you together against a common issue. (When things get quiet, we sometimes create business to avoid the anxiety of looking deeper into ourselves.) He, on the other hand, may become defensive if he feels attacked (don't we all?). Some of your focus on on him could be avoiding looking at your own "weaknesses," and some of his defensiveness may be reluctance to confront any sense of incompetency he may carry. 
• You can turn this around if you ask your partner to disclose what he thinks he needs to work most on, using active listening/no judgment so he feels safe. You can then ask him what he thinks you need to work on - here it's important for you to listen without defensiveness. By turning the tables this way you create trust, which is important to both of you. Furthermore, this pre-empts any tendency he has to accuse someone he perceives as powerful. Opening yourself up (in a structured way) to his criticism is a kind of reverse psychology. From your point of view, it's an opportunity to experience weakness and to discover you're strong enough to accept being weak. 
• In your relationship, your partner may be the more willing to be vulnerable than you are. You can set aside time together to describe the things you love most about each other - ask him to go first as a model for you. When it's your turn, notice how it feels to focus only on loving feelings, and stay with whatever rises up for you. Share that with him as well. And appreciate how his intuitions about your needs are on target. This is mutually developmental because: (1) You're honoring his ability to express his feelings and intuitions, which enhances his self-esteem and reinforces his strengths. Further, he's hearing some disclosures that mitigate against any tendency to stereotype you as "powerful," "controlling."
  (2) You're strengthening the positive aspects of your development path (nurturing qualities) - showing unconditional love, building empathy.
  
• Enneagram Eights tend to "plow ahead," whereas Sixes are usually more strategic. Again, as a kind of reverse psychology, invite your partner to help you consider all the negative ramifications of something you plan to do together. Whatever he brings up, ask for more specifics, then look for solutions to the potential problems. This will help you develop patience, and will help him develop a more realistic and optimistic scenario.   

For a further refinement of your interaction dynamics, take a look at your instinctual  subtype and his to see how these energies play out with each other: 

• If your subtype is One-to-One, for example, and his is Self-Preservation: You're a stable, consistent person, whose very nature can reassure his undercurrent of fear; but you can be particularly controlling under stress and even become insulting when you're angry. He's likely to be a warm and charming guy who shares your passion for championing the underdog, but he's sometimes overly focused on being "nice," and under stress will particularly want your protection and not your ire. 
• If you're a Self-Preservation subtype and his subtype is Social: Your role in the relationship is probably to maintain order - which matches your partner's need for security with rules. This may have been attractive in the beginning, but it doesn't do anything for either of you developmentally - and if you change how you behave, make sure you tell him about it because otherwise he'll feel you pulled out the stops. Further, you're likely to be a very private person who can be independent, withdrawing, even antisocial at times. Your partner, on the other hand, will be passionate about his causes and possibly accuse you of being "unfeeling." 
• If you're a Social subtype with a One-to-One partner: To a degree your stereotypical types are reversed. You may be quite friendly, focused on group cohesion, full of gusto, less dominating than you could be, the social organizer of the couple. Your excessiveness may seem overwhelming to him at times. He will tend to be forthright, truthful, willing to confront. But he's also "counterphobic," driven to deny his fear, so under stress he'll be on the offense - in other words, somewhat dominating.

Of course, you can mix and match all three subtypes, leading to nine potential combinations. The $24,000 question: given any subtype combination, what could you do that would be mutually developmental?