The Partnership Path to Self-Knowledge

(From Margaret Frings Keyes' The Enneagram Relationship Workbook)

1. Falling in Love: Infatuation marks the first phase of relationships, when the floodgates of the unconscious are opened and we glimpse a possibility of our own wholeness. We project our unconscious positive images of the opposite sex onto the other person and we feel spiritually and mentally alive, because each sees the other only in terms of desired aspects and traits.
2. Adaptation to Power Roles: Now we begin to divert attention away from our own unacceptable traits, urges, feelings, etc., and project those that are negative onto the partner. We also endow our partner with collective authority, and thus rebel or conform to what our partner expects. The relationship shifts as we create rules, roles, and expectations. To some degree we suppress ourselves for fear of losing the partner. Liveliness and compatibility are reduced as we begin to operate from our defenses. 
3. Darkening Conflict: In this phase our unknown and unconscious aspects demand to be seen. We may become depressed, angry, and/or hurt, and one or both will engage in fantasies of separation, longing to ESCAPE! Positive aspects of life are projected onto the outer world (e.g., new career, new associations, new interests), so now everyone but the partner looks attractive. Our feelings and perceptions about power, betrayal, and abandonment deepen as our unconscious issues are reflected in even more negative projections onto the partner. Transformation depends entirely on our conscious involvement in our own drama, the decision to focus on our own need to change. Depending on our level of consciousness, we can:
   • Refuse to recognize and deal with differences (and later repeat the problem with someone else). 
   • Try to control the partner by anger, disapproval, withdrawal, or pouting. 
   • Experiment with separation (this can be positive if the goal is to achieve consciousness and choice, but remember that eventually even our work on ourselves will have to be completed in relationship). 
   • Begin the true work to integrate the Shadow. Although uneasy and ambivalent about it, we move our attention away from how we and our partner should be and toward who we and our partner are. 
4. Remembering Self and Completion in Union: If we have the courage to deepen our own self-awareness and take personal responsibility for the relationship, we accept and integrate parts of ourselves that we have not wanted to know and see. We examine how our partner has characteristics that we have been unwilling to acknowledge in ourselves. We feel the pain that results from knowing ourselves, as we recall not only of the pain done to us, but also the pain we have created. Our gifts and strengths are heightened as we re-own our Self, instead of reacting solely to our partner. We develop the ability to observe our interactions without judgment and see our prejudices as distortions. Our love becomes based in reality, and the well-being of the other becomes essential to our own as we forgive our partner, our parents, and ourselves.

Playing a Bigger Game

Remember Games People Play? The relationship games described by Eric Berne are so familiar from our own interactions, it's relatively easy to notice when someone else plays them. In truth, though, if you're in a game, you're a player, too. When we view relationship interactions as systems, we can see how all players contribute to the pattern.

The popular "Why don't you--yes, but" game is described in 50 Psychology Classics as beginning "when someone states a problem in their life, and another person responds by offering constructive suggestions on how to solve it. The subject says 'Yes, but...' and proceeds to find issue with the solutions. In Adult mode we would examine and probably take on board a solution, but this is not the purpose of the exchange. It allows the subject to gain sympathy from others in their inadequacy to meet the situation (Child mode). The problem solvers, in turn, get the opportunity to play wise Parent."

The Parent, Adult, Child references are from Transactional Analysis, popular since the sixties and still highly relevant.


Now look again at the players in "Why don't you--yes, but." Either party can start the game. The problem solver might be in the role of wise Parent, or might be playing parent, period, whether reacting to the other or initiating advice. How many times have you described a situation to a friend, co-worker, or life partner where you wanted a listener or someone to brainstorm with as you talked it through, only to have the other person jump in and tell you what you should do about it?
 
When you re-read the above example of "yes, but..." notice the assumption that one player (the "Child" in this case) creates the pattern, and the "wise" Parent is the blameless bystander. Looking at our interaction patterns this way promotes blaming and judgment. Yes, we all play games, and yes, sometimes one party is less emotionally healthy than the other, but by definition an interaction takes two people.
 
Instead of judging the interaction games in your relationships as someone else's fault, notice how a pattern is perpetuated, by either or both of you, and look for inventive ways to interrupt the pattern. If asked for your opinion by someone who's typically responded with "yes, but," for example, say "I'm not sure what the best thing would be for you," or "What have you considered?" or "What do you think might work?"
 
And, of course, pay close attention to the games you initiate. They wouldn't be games unless both people wanted to play.

Parenting From the Inside Out

Implicit mental models that cast shadows on our own decisions and the stories we tell about our lives can be made explicit through focused self-reflection. We are active shapers of our own construction of reality. (Siegel and Hartzell, Parenting From the Inside Out). 

If you're reading this blog post, you probably want to be a good parent to your young children or perhaps have issues with adult children you'd like to resolve. One way to view these issues is through the lens of attachment theory.

Childhood Attachment	Adult Attachment
Secure Distress when mother leaves Greets mother when she returns	Secure Comfortable in relationships Able to seek support from partner
Avoidant Does not seek mother when she returns Focuses on environment	Dismissing Greater sense of autonomy Tends to cut self off emotionally from partner
Ambivalent/Resistant Very upset at departure Explores very little	Preoccupied Fears rejection from partner Strong desire to maintain closeness

A child's security of attachment is strongly connected to parents' understanding of their own early life experience. Whether you had good parenting, good enough parenting, or even traumatic parenting, making sense of your childhood can lead to healthy relationships with your children. The universal cure-all in any personal growth approach is to develop nonjudgmental self-awareness -- in this case, mindfulness of your own childhood dynamics and consequent worldview.

Siegel and Hartzell introduced the concept of mind-sight, the ability to perceive the minds of others as well as our own. Resolving issues with your children means mindfulness about your own personality and mind-sight about your child's personality. Research further indicates that intention, when followed by changes in behavior, can change how our brains function. I'm particularly heartened to know this can be done backwards. No matter how old you or your children are, you can re-live your own childhood and your child's, affecting brain chemistry in a way that heals long-held wounds. 

All personality styles have strengths and challenges as parents, whether you had a secure or insecure attachment when growing up. Barbara Whiteside, in "Seeing Your Child" (September 2009 Enneagram Monthly), gave the example of a mother at Enneagram point Three who "had a very easy time with her point Seven daughter because they both had assertive energy and enjoyed lots of activity (but) struggled in understanding her point Four daughter. . . ."

Many of you with grown children will believe you could have done a better job as a young parent. However, thinking If only I'd known then what I know now will be wishful thinking unless what you know is based on deep self-reflection about your own personality style along with mind-sight about your child's, especially if very different. This is a potent exercise recommended by Siegel and Hartzell:

1. Think of an experience from your childhood when your reality was denied. How did you feel?
2. Think of a time when you and your child had a different reaction to the same experience. Now try to see the events from your child's point of view.

When my daughter's personality was barely forming, I naively assumed she would be like me. This was long before I learned about the Enneagram, and I had little capability as a young point Nine mother to be present to a daughter at point Eight. My poem "Swamp Magic" likens my daughter as a baby to a tadpole, sleeping face-down with knees bent outward, "still swimming in the amnion," ending with these lines:

What could we talk about?
I was brought up to behave,
bewildered by a frog princess
who could be heard for miles.
A ring-tongued, Mohawked 
Tarot reader, a hefty bike babe,
she teaches me computer skills,
and I accommodate the real.

As do all families, we had good times and bad times over the years, but I tended to forget the bad times and reacted defensively when my daughter's recollections were different from mine. then she decided I'd never see the world through her eyes and we became politely estranged. I labeled this as her problem until I finally dropped my defenses and invited her to join me with a mother/daughter therapist duo. Only then did I develop retrospective mind-sight about my daughter.

Among many insights was accepting the reality of myself as an unaware young mother. I could see I'd shown little of point Nine's healthy attributes (I encourage her differences from me and we co-create a playful environment), was mostly average (I see myself as nobody special but see my child as idealized. . . not the actual person), and to some degree unhealthy (She needs my full presence, and she doesn't have it). Because of my young self's lack of awareness, my remoteness and blindness to the significant differences between us, I truly did not know who my daughter was.

When we first started therapy together, I knew no words would convince her I could be authentically present to her worldview, and I'd only gain her trust by hearing and acknowledging what her childhood was like for her, not what I wanted it to be. During our second session, she was beginning to accept that maybe I'd changed. Then, in a long phone conversation outside therapy she said, true to her personality style, "It's clear you've worked your ass off, Mom." 

Affirming that both of us had matured significantly, we joked about the Work Your Ass Off School of Coaching, a playfulness long missing from our relationship. I hope my story, and Parenting From the Inside Out, will help you get your own you-know-what in gear.

Making sense of life can free parents from patterns of the past that have imprisoned them in the present. By deepening our ability to understand our own emotional experience, we are better able to relate empathically with our children and promote their self-understanding and healthy development (Siegel & Hartzell, Parenting From the Inside Out).   

"How," not "Why," is the Question

To more fully understand the couple in the Plus ça change blog entry, it helps to know that people with the husband's personality -- point Nine in the Enneagram personality system -- tend to go along with others' ideas yet feel unspoken resentment when they stifle their own agenda. At the same time, they are peacemakers and want to be reassured that even their unexpressed annoyance has not created a disruption.

Thus, the husband wanted to snuggle up to his wife, who was very aware of his "pouting" and didn't feel so inclined.

Those of the wife's personality -- point Eight in the Enneagram -- typically have plenty of ideas but often succumb temporarily to their enthusiasms and/or forget to include their partners. This couple might have been drawn together initially because of their mutual comfort with the wife providing structure, then both began to feel some pain from that same dynamic.

What's fascinating about this couple is that we did not spend time exploring their personality patterns so they could understand why they were having difficulty. Instead, I asked questions to help them look closely at what each of them did and said, so they could see how they were unwittingly feeding their interaction pattern. This works in the same way as interrupting a personal pattern. You look carefully at how the pattern operates, then find a way to playfully interrupt it, so it loses its "juice."

A Partnership Model

A business executive with point Six Enneagram patterns met with her team to define a leadership model reflecting their values as supporters of abused women. They made explicit the characteristics of a traditional power-based system, contrasted with their own vision of an equality-based system -- a true partnership:

Power-Based Systems (control behavior)* Don't share feelings  Don't take a stand Don't accept criticism Don't listen to others Don't depend on others Don't admit mistakes Cover up skill deficiencies      (or fear of them) Break promises/agreements Withhold information

Equality-Based Systems (resilience, harmony, meaning) Be self-disclosing  State opinions openly Share accountability for problems Acknowledge what others say, feel Give importance to all agendas Admit mistakes, fears, not knowing Be consistent, honor agreements Give time to process:     - Descriptive feedback    - "I" statements

*Control is a form of addiction, used to deny our fears." 

See also Riane Eisler's Partnership Politics ("The partnership and domination systems not only give us names for different ways of relating but also explain what lies behind these differences.")

A Parallel Universe

When I was coaching, I had great zeal for helping my clients learn how to interact more effectively instead of vying for power and control. But frankly, we often don't see how our own behavior plays a role in the difficulties that arise in relationships. Instead, we tend to blame others for their behavior. We lose sight of the fact that the very act of "blaming" makes us players in the power game. 

In The Fifth Discipline Peter Senge describes how the underlying structure of a human system "causes its own behavior." We have the power to alter these structures and create new patterns, but our interaction systems are subtle: we usually don't see the structures at play. In particular we don't see how our own behavior helps maintain the status quo in relationships.

Changing such patterns requires a complete change in context--we must step into a parallel universe of human interaction where the old, unexamined rules no longer compel us to act in certain ways, where we ask new questions:

• "What's behind this other person's behavior?"
• "What am I doing that keeps this dysfunctional pattern of interaction repeating itself?"
• "What could the pay-off possibly be for me to have things remain the same?"
• "How might either of us do something different?"

The Book of Love Isn't Always Easy to Read

"The most changeable aspects of [a] couple's situation, in our view, are in each partner's actions and interpretations of the other's actions. We call this changing the 'doing' and the 'viewing' of the couple's problem." Patricia O'Hanlon Hudson and William Hudson O'Hanlon, Rewriting Love Stories.  

Most people who've been in long-term relationships have settled into at least some patterns that seem frustratingly familiar and frustratingly unchangeable. 

Sometimes we're aware of how we reinforce these patterns, and sometimes not. Often, we interpret the intentions behind a partner's actions (or failure to act), characterizing them in general terms ("stingy," "thoughtless," etc.), and otherwise casting blame - unwilling to acknowledge our own faults for fear our words will be used as ammunition.

So, instead of thinking of your primary relationship as a battlefield, think of it as a book you're trying to understand. The Book of Love has four key sections:  

Part I: The Love Story. In the beginning, we're all reading a love story. We're enthralled, infatuated, paying attention only to the obvious text, seeing only what we want to see, feeling emotionally and mentally alive. We love this book and recommend it to everyone!

Part II: Identifying the Characters. Gradually, we figure out who's doing what in our story, the roles and expectations, and suppressing ourselves somewhat for fear of upsetting/losing our partner. We begin to wonder if our story is what we thought it was going to be.

Part III: The Plot Thickens. We all long to be truly known and show all of ourselves, warts and all. We begin to read and be read "between the lines." When we don't like the way the story is going, our options are to:

• see everyone but the partner as attractive;
• try to make the partner what s/he "should be" through anger, disapproval, or withdrawal;
• refuse to deal with the difficulties (and later repeat the pattern with someone else);
• see this part of the story as an opportunity to pay conscious attention to our patterns and grow beyond them (see Part IV).

Part IV: The Love Story Re-Written. We can be good editors of our own stories. This happens when we shift attention away from how we and our partner "should" be and toward who each of us really is. Some suggestions from Bill O'Hanlon:

1. Acknowledge/validate each person's feelings and point of view. Be specific, give examples, vs. blaming. No need to judge here, just try to understand. Reflect back what you've heard.
2. Move the discussion from complaints about the past to what you would like to have happen.
3. Use "videotalk" ("Imagine it's the future. When I'm showing love what, exactly, am I doing? What, exactly, am I saying?")
4. Agree to what each of you will do that's different, and DO it, with a sense of humor, please.

Reflective Action: Enneagram Point Six and Point Nine Partnerships

Mutuality 

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life, relationships in which we listen and are listened to, know and are known, where we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development: a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. 

However, partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding typical patterns of the nine different points can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities. 

Any Enneagram combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're operating from point Three and interacting with point Eight you might find that both of you (for different reasons) are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing the more relational partner will give the more independent partner a little more space and the latter will accede to the former's desire for a bit more interaction.

Focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. The possibilities are illustrated here with partners at points Six and Nine. 

Point Six  

Those of us within the constellation of patterns at Enneagram point Six are relationship-oriented and motivated to feel secure. At our best we're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. We're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and we attend to interdependent needs. What this Enneagram point personifies for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded.

Typically, those fixated at this point felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the downside, they tend to check for hidden agendas in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

They may either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. They too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Point Six patterns include two distinct expressions of fear. One can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), or one can fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most tend to challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, their candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, those at Six who are self-aware are highly relationship-oriented and can bring out the best in their partners, working tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense. 

Point Nine 

People stuck at point Nine are motivated to keep the peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They honor diversity, nurture cooperation, and are typically skilled at building consensus. Unexamined Enneagram Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically forget any childhood difficulties they experienced and may be unaware of the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves.

From this history, when conflict arises, they typically take an implicit power-under position, withdrawing or minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective. 

In organizations, those showing point Nine patterns usually do very well until expected to be decisive, which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. Though they typically seek consensus, they can become quite stubborn about opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, they may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

If those at point Nine go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partner becomes tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed point Nine personifies for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. A deep emotional fatigue sets in when forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress, because being out of touch with what one wants makes it difficult to act on one's own priorities.

Well-developed people at point Nine are serene and centered safe harbors for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.  

How Point Nine Sees Point Six 

Those at point Six are quite aware of their own boundaries, so aren't a big threat to point Nines' fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of point Nines' defensiveness when feeling discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Those at point Six, with their personal radar, can be sensitive to the partner's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nine becomes more self-aware because of Six's honesty.

Point Six, usually spontaneous and open with feelings, can balance Nine's more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. Nine may not know how to directly express unhappiness with circumstances or people and are stimulated to action by Six's willingness to state the obvious. In fact, Six's tendency toward self-disclosure is a wonderful model for Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: Nine can learn from Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences. 

How Point Six Sees Point Nine 

Point Six learns to be more centered and self-referencing from serene point Nine, which reduces their self-questioning and promotes a sense of peacefulness. From their power-under perspective, they're on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nine, who is not overtly interested in holding power.

Because point Nine is calm and reassuring, this provides a model for living with more ease and tend to balance Six's emotional intensity. Seeing Nine as a safe harbor, Six feels liked and allows a deeper self to show. This can strengthen belief in one's best self. When things are going well, Nine is generous with praise of Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nine can help Six to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Nine will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Six is more likely to act without a great deal of reflection.  

Potential Problem Areas 

On the downside, Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to Six's emotional presence. Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to Nine. Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus, in a search for stability, Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but Nine may take that to be Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match Six's current state. 

Also, the very activeness that draws Nine to Six may cause difficulty. Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push Nine to become more active, which can feel like bossiness, and Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. 

From the perspective of Six, Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. Six may want to engage in the moment and is likely to interpret Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements Six may be disappointed in Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side or, worse, to remain silent or even withdraw. Over time, Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the other. This could well show up as criticizing Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others. 

It Takes Three to Tango

 (the two who dance together, and the dance instructor)

I'm counseling a couple to build a healthy relationship. An inventory on this couple suggested she's an Enneagram Two and Six (split) and he's an Eight. What will be the best techniques to use employing the Enneagram with this couple?

First a caveat: I'm not a therapist. I'm a social psychologist and a good process observer who often uses the Enneagram. I like coaching couples about their Enneagram interaction dynamics because there's immediate feedback. I can help them see these dynamics in action instead of relying on how they tell me they interact. It's very effective to be able to say, "Let's stop a minute and take a look at what just happened..." or "...at what A just said to B..."

Because they learn about themselves as they explore their interaction dynamics, individuals can improve their relationships to some degree without the other member of the partnership present, but that's not quite as powerful, because we can fool ourselves about how well we apply something we've learned. That same deficit is present in anything I might say to this reader because I'm not actually seeing this couple in interaction, playing out their Enneagram dynamics in their own unique way.

But there are some guidelines for effective counseling with the Enneagram. First, I'm curious to know which inventory this reader used. Many people rely on written instruments, or at least use them as supplements to determine their key Enneagram point. Because I've seen so many individuals mistyped using written instruments, I find it much more fruitful to help clients themselves determine their Enneagram styles by distinguishing among all nine. This leads them to take ownership and reduces their defensiveness. More important, they become clear that many behaviors are shared by more than one Enneagram point, and they eventually center on the one that represents their primary fixation. While it's common for those at point Six to identify with point Two when they're first learning the Enneagram, those at point Two usually know they're not at point Six:

The driving force at point Two is pride--there's a tendency to influence indirectly, to be somewhat manipulative and/or seductive, to have difficulty focusing on one's own needs, and--particularly--how one may contribute to relationship problems. Twos like to align themselves with those in power, so if your client is at point Two, she wouldn't necessarily be in conflict with a partner at point Eight. This is often a sexually expressive combination as long as Two is focused on satisfying Eight's needs, but as time goes by, she'll want much more emotional reassurance than Eight typically thinks is necessary.

The driving force at point Six is fear. People here have big-time issues with authority (which would be certain to come up with a partner at point Eight), are pretty open with feelings and eager to learn about themselves but may do some blaming of partners that's often based on projection. Early in their relationship Six would typically seek Eight's protection, but later would begin to see the other as a bully. If your client is at point Six, she might well be looking for more equality in the relationship, as well as intimacy.

When you're the counselor, Eight will want you to tell it like it is, no matter how raw or profane, as long as you let him know you care about him in spite of his rough edges. I don't mean you say this to him, but rather show your appreciation: by laughing at his jokes, by not being intimidated. From my own experience with a client at point Eight, at the end of a day when I'd interviewed his team about his management style, and after showing his delight with my very direct feedback, he walked with me to the gate at the airport and, when we shook hands in parting, held the hand I extended with both of his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mary, thank you for caring." 

About working with clients at point Eight, Suzanne Zuercher (Enneagram Companions) writes:

"Once a trusting atmosphere exists, 8s respond to the director's suggestions about how to gain insight… As they become more free and less fearful they open to methods of interior work with the same gusto they display in other areas of living… All of this energy… will frighten 8s; often they will project this fear onto directors, being tempted to hold their feeling back lest their directors not be strong enough to bear it… Strength but not aggression, power but not contest, honesty but not ruthlessness are what 8s look for in a director."

Clients at point Two, on the other hand, are highly relational, want to be in on everything, and will want a relationship with you. Counselors need to be sure they don't let Two's focus on the counselor's needs take over. They may focus on the other person to avoid dealing with their own needs. It helps to ask the simple question, "What do you need?" or to gently point out how helpful she is and how that pattern--at the same time--gets in her way. 

Zuercher also notes how likely it is at point Two to make flattering remarks as a way to keep the counselor away from uncomfortable topics. She then writes:

"…directors find it hard to cut through superficiality, reporting, and wordiness with their 2 directees… probably best dealt with by pointing out to the 2 what has just taken place, leaving comments on that observation for the directee to make. Many times 2s are not aware of what they are doing and having it described helps them recognize their fear of acknowledging the unpleasant."

Clients are point Six, because of their watchfulness for others' power tactics, may engage in a push-pull interaction with a counselor. In a class I taught on building relationships with the Enneagram, I asked participants to state an intention for their own transformation. A participant who identified at point Six said, "You're the expert, I'd like for you to tell me what I should focus on." 

My answer? "That would be a death sentence for both of us."(If you respond to such a request for advice, you become the authority to rebel against. It's vital for clients at point Six to find their own power.)

When she asked what I meant by "a death sentence" I said, "What do you think it might mean, given the dynamics at point Six?" 

"That I'm the expert on myself?" she asked. 

"Sounds like you're on to something," I said.