Reflective Action: Enneagram Point Six and Point Nine Partnerships

Mutuality 

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life, relationships in which we listen and are listened to, know and are known, where we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development: a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. 

However, partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding typical patterns of the nine different points can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities. 

Any Enneagram combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're operating from point Three and interacting with point Eight you might find that both of you (for different reasons) are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing the more relational partner will give the more independent partner a little more space and the latter will accede to the former's desire for a bit more interaction.

Focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. The possibilities are illustrated here with partners at points Six and Nine. 

Point Six  

Those of us within the constellation of patterns at Enneagram point Six are relationship-oriented and motivated to feel secure. At our best we're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. We're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and we attend to interdependent needs. What this Enneagram point personifies for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded.

Typically, those fixated at this point felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the downside, they tend to check for hidden agendas in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

They may either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. They too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Point Six patterns include two distinct expressions of fear. One can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), or one can fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most tend to challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, their candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, those at Six who are self-aware are highly relationship-oriented and can bring out the best in their partners, working tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense. 

Point Nine 

People stuck at point Nine are motivated to keep the peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They honor diversity, nurture cooperation, and are typically skilled at building consensus. Unexamined Enneagram Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically forget any childhood difficulties they experienced and may be unaware of the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves.

From this history, when conflict arises, they typically take an implicit power-under position, withdrawing or minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective. 

In organizations, those showing point Nine patterns usually do very well until expected to be decisive, which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. Though they typically seek consensus, they can become quite stubborn about opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, they may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

If those at point Nine go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partner becomes tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed point Nine personifies for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. A deep emotional fatigue sets in when forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress, because being out of touch with what one wants makes it difficult to act on one's own priorities.

Well-developed people at point Nine are serene and centered safe harbors for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.  

How Point Nine Sees Point Six 

Those at point Six are quite aware of their own boundaries, so aren't a big threat to point Nines' fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of point Nines' defensiveness when feeling discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Those at point Six, with their personal radar, can be sensitive to the partner's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nine becomes more self-aware because of Six's honesty.

Point Six, usually spontaneous and open with feelings, can balance Nine's more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. Nine may not know how to directly express unhappiness with circumstances or people and are stimulated to action by Six's willingness to state the obvious. In fact, Six's tendency toward self-disclosure is a wonderful model for Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: Nine can learn from Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences. 

How Point Six Sees Point Nine 

Point Six learns to be more centered and self-referencing from serene point Nine, which reduces their self-questioning and promotes a sense of peacefulness. From their power-under perspective, they're on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nine, who is not overtly interested in holding power.

Because point Nine is calm and reassuring, this provides a model for living with more ease and tend to balance Six's emotional intensity. Seeing Nine as a safe harbor, Six feels liked and allows a deeper self to show. This can strengthen belief in one's best self. When things are going well, Nine is generous with praise of Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nine can help Six to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Nine will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Six is more likely to act without a great deal of reflection.  

Potential Problem Areas 

On the downside, Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to Six's emotional presence. Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to Nine. Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus, in a search for stability, Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but Nine may take that to be Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match Six's current state. 

Also, the very activeness that draws Nine to Six may cause difficulty. Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push Nine to become more active, which can feel like bossiness, and Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. 

From the perspective of Six, Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. Six may want to engage in the moment and is likely to interpret Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements Six may be disappointed in Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side or, worse, to remain silent or even withdraw. Over time, Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the other. This could well show up as criticizing Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others.