Reflective Action: Enneagram Point Six and Point Nine Partnerships

Mutuality 

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life, relationships in which we listen and are listened to, know and are known, where we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development: a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. 

However, partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding typical patterns of the nine different points can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities. 

Any Enneagram combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're operating from point Three and interacting with point Eight you might find that both of you (for different reasons) are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing the more relational partner will give the more independent partner a little more space and the latter will accede to the former's desire for a bit more interaction.

Focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. The possibilities are illustrated here with partners at points Six and Nine. 

Point Six  

Those of us within the constellation of patterns at Enneagram point Six are relationship-oriented and motivated to feel secure. At our best we're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. We're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and we attend to interdependent needs. What this Enneagram point personifies for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded.

Typically, those fixated at this point felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the downside, they tend to check for hidden agendas in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

They may either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. They too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Point Six patterns include two distinct expressions of fear. One can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), or one can fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most tend to challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, their candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, those at Six who are self-aware are highly relationship-oriented and can bring out the best in their partners, working tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense. 

Point Nine 

People stuck at point Nine are motivated to keep the peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They honor diversity, nurture cooperation, and are typically skilled at building consensus. Unexamined Enneagram Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically forget any childhood difficulties they experienced and may be unaware of the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves.

From this history, when conflict arises, they typically take an implicit power-under position, withdrawing or minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective. 

In organizations, those showing point Nine patterns usually do very well until expected to be decisive, which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. Though they typically seek consensus, they can become quite stubborn about opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, they may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

If those at point Nine go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partner becomes tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed point Nine personifies for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. A deep emotional fatigue sets in when forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress, because being out of touch with what one wants makes it difficult to act on one's own priorities.

Well-developed people at point Nine are serene and centered safe harbors for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.  

How Point Nine Sees Point Six 

Those at point Six are quite aware of their own boundaries, so aren't a big threat to point Nines' fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of point Nines' defensiveness when feeling discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Those at point Six, with their personal radar, can be sensitive to the partner's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nine becomes more self-aware because of Six's honesty.

Point Six, usually spontaneous and open with feelings, can balance Nine's more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. Nine may not know how to directly express unhappiness with circumstances or people and are stimulated to action by Six's willingness to state the obvious. In fact, Six's tendency toward self-disclosure is a wonderful model for Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: Nine can learn from Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences. 

How Point Six Sees Point Nine 

Point Six learns to be more centered and self-referencing from serene point Nine, which reduces their self-questioning and promotes a sense of peacefulness. From their power-under perspective, they're on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nine, who is not overtly interested in holding power.

Because point Nine is calm and reassuring, this provides a model for living with more ease and tend to balance Six's emotional intensity. Seeing Nine as a safe harbor, Six feels liked and allows a deeper self to show. This can strengthen belief in one's best self. When things are going well, Nine is generous with praise of Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nine can help Six to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Nine will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Six is more likely to act without a great deal of reflection.  

Potential Problem Areas 

On the downside, Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to Six's emotional presence. Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to Nine. Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus, in a search for stability, Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but Nine may take that to be Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match Six's current state. 

Also, the very activeness that draws Nine to Six may cause difficulty. Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push Nine to become more active, which can feel like bossiness, and Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. 

From the perspective of Six, Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. Six may want to engage in the moment and is likely to interpret Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements Six may be disappointed in Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side or, worse, to remain silent or even withdraw. Over time, Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the other. This could well show up as criticizing Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others. 

It Takes Three to Tango

 (the two who dance together, and the dance instructor)

I'm counseling a couple to build a healthy relationship. An inventory on this couple suggested she's an Enneagram Two and Six (split) and he's an Eight. What will be the best techniques to use employing the Enneagram with this couple?

First a caveat: I'm not a therapist. I'm a social psychologist and a good process observer who often uses the Enneagram. I like coaching couples about their Enneagram interaction dynamics because there's immediate feedback. I can help them see these dynamics in action instead of relying on how they tell me they interact. It's very effective to be able to say, "Let's stop a minute and take a look at what just happened..." or "...at what A just said to B..."

Because they learn about themselves as they explore their interaction dynamics, individuals can improve their relationships to some degree without the other member of the partnership present, but that's not quite as powerful, because we can fool ourselves about how well we apply something we've learned. That same deficit is present in anything I might say to this reader because I'm not actually seeing this couple in interaction, playing out their Enneagram dynamics in their own unique way.

But there are some guidelines for effective counseling with the Enneagram. First, I'm curious to know which inventory this reader used. Many people rely on written instruments, or at least use them as supplements to determine their key Enneagram point. Because I've seen so many individuals mistyped using written instruments, I find it much more fruitful to help clients themselves determine their Enneagram styles by distinguishing among all nine. This leads them to take ownership and reduces their defensiveness. More important, they become clear that many behaviors are shared by more than one Enneagram point, and they eventually center on the one that represents their primary fixation. While it's common for those at point Six to identify with point Two when they're first learning the Enneagram, those at point Two usually know they're not at point Six:

The driving force at point Two is pride--there's a tendency to influence indirectly, to be somewhat manipulative and/or seductive, to have difficulty focusing on one's own needs, and--particularly--how one may contribute to relationship problems. Twos like to align themselves with those in power, so if your client is at point Two, she wouldn't necessarily be in conflict with a partner at point Eight. This is often a sexually expressive combination as long as Two is focused on satisfying Eight's needs, but as time goes by, she'll want much more emotional reassurance than Eight typically thinks is necessary.

The driving force at point Six is fear. People here have big-time issues with authority (which would be certain to come up with a partner at point Eight), are pretty open with feelings and eager to learn about themselves but may do some blaming of partners that's often based on projection. Early in their relationship Six would typically seek Eight's protection, but later would begin to see the other as a bully. If your client is at point Six, she might well be looking for more equality in the relationship, as well as intimacy.

When you're the counselor, Eight will want you to tell it like it is, no matter how raw or profane, as long as you let him know you care about him in spite of his rough edges. I don't mean you say this to him, but rather show your appreciation: by laughing at his jokes, by not being intimidated. From my own experience with a client at point Eight, at the end of a day when I'd interviewed his team about his management style, and after showing his delight with my very direct feedback, he walked with me to the gate at the airport and, when we shook hands in parting, held the hand I extended with both of his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mary, thank you for caring." 

About working with clients at point Eight, Suzanne Zuercher (Enneagram Companions) writes:

"Once a trusting atmosphere exists, 8s respond to the director's suggestions about how to gain insight… As they become more free and less fearful they open to methods of interior work with the same gusto they display in other areas of living… All of this energy… will frighten 8s; often they will project this fear onto directors, being tempted to hold their feeling back lest their directors not be strong enough to bear it… Strength but not aggression, power but not contest, honesty but not ruthlessness are what 8s look for in a director."

Clients at point Two, on the other hand, are highly relational, want to be in on everything, and will want a relationship with you. Counselors need to be sure they don't let Two's focus on the counselor's needs take over. They may focus on the other person to avoid dealing with their own needs. It helps to ask the simple question, "What do you need?" or to gently point out how helpful she is and how that pattern--at the same time--gets in her way. 

Zuercher also notes how likely it is at point Two to make flattering remarks as a way to keep the counselor away from uncomfortable topics. She then writes:

"…directors find it hard to cut through superficiality, reporting, and wordiness with their 2 directees… probably best dealt with by pointing out to the 2 what has just taken place, leaving comments on that observation for the directee to make. Many times 2s are not aware of what they are doing and having it described helps them recognize their fear of acknowledging the unpleasant."

Clients are point Six, because of their watchfulness for others' power tactics, may engage in a push-pull interaction with a counselor. In a class I taught on building relationships with the Enneagram, I asked participants to state an intention for their own transformation. A participant who identified at point Six said, "You're the expert, I'd like for you to tell me what I should focus on." 

My answer? "That would be a death sentence for both of us."(If you respond to such a request for advice, you become the authority to rebel against. It's vital for clients at point Six to find their own power.)

When she asked what I meant by "a death sentence" I said, "What do you think it might mean, given the dynamics at point Six?" 

"That I'm the expert on myself?" she asked. 

"Sounds like you're on to something," I said. 

The Container of Soul: Mutuality and the Enneagram

Understanding your Enneagram dynamics is a powerful tool to enhance your personal effectiveness and spiritual development. The Enneagram is even more powerful when explored in the context of relationships with others. While each of combination of Enneagram points brings special considerations to the development of mutuality, any combination will offer complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each point's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if your patterns stem from point Three and you're interacting with someone at point Eight, you might find that both of you–for different reasons–are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing that point Two will give point Five a little more space and point Five will accede to point Two's desire for a bit more interaction.

Regardless of the combination of Enneagram styles, the first steps to create mutuality are to value each person's gifts, be sensitive to areas in need of growth, and approach the relationship in ways that are mutually enhancing and beneficial. 

Consciously framing each person's potential development in terms of mutuality includes discussing how the dynamics at one Enneagram point complement the other, as well as mutual blind spots. The examples below, using the Six/Nine combination for illustration, are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions:  

• Although acted out in different ways, both point Six and point Nine show problems with decision-making. At point Nine we may procrastinate while gathering others' opinions and/or seek to build consensus because of difficulty choosing on one's own; at point Six we may procrastinate while gathering more data to develop certainty about the "right" choice and/or worry about how others will judge their decisions. Both may change their minds – at point Nine because we don't want to be pinned down, at point Six because we begin to doubt ourselves. Both, however, rely too much on others' opinions. This is a development area where similarity of focus can be beneficial to both. It's often easier to see someone else's behavior initially, so they could agree to give each other feedback about decision-making behavior and to discuss and look for blind spots in their rationale for delaying decisions. Or they might agree to meet once a week to review decisions and compare notes, each learning from the other. 
• Similarity of focus can also be beneficial in the way both communicate their ideas. Point Nine is known for epic tales; it's sometimes difficult to get a simple answer in a struggle to bring complex awareness of infinite alternatives down to a central theme. At point Six we can feel charged with so many things we want to say that listeners are left trying to figure out the message. For both points, it's useful to ask before speaking, 
• What's my key theme? What are my main points? 
• Who is my audience? 
• What do I want them to understand? 
• Efforts to improve in this area can be mutually developmental, and heighten clarity in general, by: 
• Listening to each other and summarizing what appear to be relevant points and/or 
• preparing and rehearsing with each other to confirm whether or not their message is clear.  
• At point Six we tend to look for hidden agendas--sometimes unnecessarily. At point Nine we tend to look on the bright side – to a fault. It would be mutually developmental in a complementary way if each would consciously seek the other to fill in the flip side and create a more balanced perspective. 
• According to Enneagram theory, both point Six and point Nine have a connection to  achievement-oriented point Three. They can support each other's development by encouraging the upside of their Three connection, stimulating each other to action, accomplishments, and success. For example, they could set deadlines for a mutually valued project and hold themselves and each other accountable to meet specific milestones. 
• Those at point Nine need to assert themselves more, speak up for themselves, confront others directly. When we are at point Six, we do this more readily. Together, these two can observe and discuss how to model for and learn from each other: 

At point Nine we can openly appreciate and imitate point Six's courageous action by being more assertive, while simultaneously helping those at point Six to know when to draw the line between challenging someone and suggesting a solution.

At point Six we can acknowledge and imitate point Nine's patience and graciousness in sometimes giving others the benefit of the doubt, while simultaneously helping those at point Nine to distinguish between self-effacement and diplomatic problem-solving.

• When at point Six, we recognize when we're upset. At point Nine we tend to merge with the partner and may find our own feelings emerging in response to a problem the other person is experiencing: In response to these emerging feelings at point Nine we may withdraw into our own feeling state and/or want to talk about our own feelings and similar experiences, leaving the other person feeling stranded. At point Nine we may also take on the other's problem, playing the role of intermediary in order to seek harmony or stability. It's mutually developmental if the feelings of the one at point Nine are kept separate and the one at point Nine acts as a sounding board for the one at point Six, then encouraging the other to decide what to do (it's important at point Six to experience one's own potency).

Subsequently these companions could focus on discovering and dealing separately with the emerging feelings at point Nine ("Why did I react so strongly? What must I be feeling deep inside?"). At this point, the one at point Six could be the sounding board for the other.

You can use the principles of mutuality to seek interactions that simultaneously develop ourselves and the other person in all our relationships, using the above examples from the point Six/Nine interaction to stimulate your thinking.

Mutuality is a reflection of the shared belief that both people in a relationship can grow, as reflected in this quote from Thomas Moore:

Friendship is the container of soul [and] the soul requires many varieties of vessels and many kinds of spaces in order to work day by day with the raw material life serves up.

  

The Dynamic Duo - Not! Enneagram Nine Mom, Six Son

My client Jane was trying to understand her Enneagram Six son. "Our confrontations aren't frequent; however, they seem nearly fatal when they do occur. I realize I can't change how a Six behaves, but I need to understand how I can change my reaction. I'm sure you can understand the toll this takes on me as a Nine ... it has a lingering effect I do not want!!"

I shared with Jane this excerpt from Helen Palmer's "Directory of Relationships" (The Enneagram in Love & Work), changing the wording slightly because Palmer was describing a romantic couple:

"A typical interaction shows Nine as the comforter, because their fears are carried and voiced by Six. These two can overlook the depth of their feelings about each other for many years before they finally [realize how much they love each other]. They meet at Three, which means either can suppress emotions when moving into action. It's important that these two learn to risk being angry rather than dimming their energy with nonessentials. Both have trouble taking action, and both find it easier to act in the name of another than for themselves. An all-time low pictures Nine indecision in collusion with Six doubt. The partners cannot move toward goals, and each sees the other as the cause of their mutual procrastination. Either one can break the stalemate about action, and activity is immensely healing to both Enneagram styles, especially when each can pursue a personal agenda without insisting that the other join in. Action breaks inertia for the Nine, and realistic progress softens the Six's fears."

Jane's son Aaron showed a mixture of phobic and counterphobic characteristics; but parents are likely to see more of the counterphobic because they're the original authority figures to style Sixes. Aaron's most frustrating behavior was making promises and then "forgetting" them. He was a good cook and liked to cook, for example, so he offered to cook dinner when his grandmother was visiting; then returned at 8:00 PM saying "Oh, no, I forgot!"

One unhealthy dynamic in this duo is that style Sixes are more comfortable with Nines' anger than with their placidity. They can't stand the anxiety of limbo, and may taunt the Nine until a confrontation occurs. Enneagram Nines and Sixes are both anti-authoritarian - neither wants to be controlled. So Nine parents need to find ways to help Sixes develop their own authority and not be threatened when they do. 

No, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves and pray the changes will elicit something different (and healthier) in those we care about. Jane, who didn't know about the Enneagram until Aaron was in his last year of college, wished she'd understood style Six when he was growing up. 

For example, she remembered with some embarrassment how angry she felt when he took the garbage out on the "wrong" night and how she laid into him in front of his girlfriend. In retrospect, she would have recognized her own fixation of feeling ignored, and possibly have complimented him for covering the possibility they'd miss the garbage collectors if he didn't act.

Where choice and initiative are required, style Nines tend to project their own blind spots onto others. The more out of touch they are with their own agenda, the more critical they can be of someone who has difficulty making a decision. Jane particularly wished she'd known about style Nine's inertia when Aaron was deciding about college. Her Enneagram Eight daughter (first-born) was a brilliant student, and chose her college in her Junior year. So Jane waited for her son (and his high school counselors) to decide what he wanted to do, as her daughter had. Her son had style Six's street smarts, but was not an intellectual. In retrospect Jane realized he'd procrastinated because he doubted his ability to make it in college, and she could have been much more helpful if she'd taken some initiative. Instead her son got the message, "You're 18, you ought to know what you want to do."

Coming Home: Enneagram Nines and Ones in Relationship

Style Nine

Unawakened Enneagram Nines can be easy to get along with because they're likely to go along with most anything (whatever others are interested in); over time this can wear thin, as others in relationship with Nines find themselves doing most of the planning. Also, it may be particularly annoying to co-workers and friends that Nines find it easier to focus on what they don't want. For example, going along with someone's suggestion, then complaining about the activity once they're in it.

Style Nines may back off from conflict and deal with their anger indirectly. They'll try to maintain their image as "nice" people, by withdrawing (either physically or mentally) from potential confrontation or by minimizing the importance of an apparent problem. Their partners want to be met half-way, to talk openly about their difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression.

There can be benefits in their withdrawing if they use the space to get in touch with their true feelings and figure out what they do want, so they can come back to their partner with more clarity. When withdrawing is a habitual avoidance, however, they're likely to be unable or unwilling to come face to face with their own contribution to problems in the relationship. At this extreme, their need to feel comfortable (and/or to blame their co-worker or partner) keeps them from sharing responsibility for creating an authentic connection. 

Style One 

Though it's not always apparent, style Ones are "compliant;" moving toward people, seeking affection and approval in their attempts to "do good" or "be good." They'll automatically try to live up to others' expectations, for themselves as parents and spouses or as model co-workers, even to the extent of losing sight of their own feelings and needs.

Unfortunately, their self-esteem may rise and fall with others' approval or disapproval. Thus, rejection or even criticism is very difficult for them. Paradoxically, their own internal critic is often projected outward, when they feel it's justified (i.e., their partner has done something "wrong"). Their anger can show up as cold annoyance or sarcasm, or even as a moral tirade largely out of proportion to the precipitating event. However, self-aware Ones are truly good, and can be counted upon to respond to even the most stressful demands from people they respect and/or love. 

Mutual Development 

As you think about the individual gifts and blind spots of styles One and Nine, you can begin to speculate how their similarities and differences might trigger difficulties in a relationship. In the discussion below of the three-step model for mutual development, the One/Nine partnership is used for purposes of illustration, but the model applies to any pairing:

(1) Talk about your implicit beliefs and explicit behaviors; become aware of mutually self-defeating patterns:

Acknowledge that you're bound by patterns of interaction and it's difficult to see how you help create problems because you're part of that pattern. This requires going beyond a theoretical discussion of your Enneagram style, observing yourself and soliciting feedback about the ways your style manifests in you.

If you're style One, for example, and don't see yourself as someone who's "punitive," review your history without judgment, ask yourself about times when you felt justifiably angry, and recall how you framed that anger to the person who was the target. If you're style Nine and don't see yourself as "passive-aggressive," do the same.

Seek feedback from the other about what may have seemed punitive or passive-aggressive to them or how they might have observed that behavior in your treatment of someone else. Make it real for you, whatever terminology fits the way you operate.

(2) Envision the transformed relationship and commit yourselves to learning as you go:

Once you have a shared vision of how you want the relationship to thrive, you can commit yourselves to mutual learning about your progress toward that goal - observing your own behavior, but also soliciting and accepting feedback from each other. Whether you're working together or in a personal relationship, appreciate the fact that style One's occasional moral tirades may hook style Nine's tendency to withdraw from confrontation.

Your vision could include a commitment from style One to look for triggers to anger and to be descriptive and nonjudgmental about what's irritating before it reaches volcanic proportions. Style Nine could commit to staying emotionally present and being assertive.

These actions will be mutually developmental, because:(a) learning to give descriptive feedback helps Ones become less judgmental, and (b) knowing Ones expect an assertive response gives Nines more determination to hang in and not withdraw.

As in Step (1) above, observe your own behavior and solicit feedback from each other. Note the situations where you're able to remain unhooked and determine what you did to make that happen. Do more of it.

(3) Be alert to how you get in the way of your own progress and stay committed to the transformation:

Note the situations where you slip into the old, self-defeating routine, try to remain nonjudgmental and explore together what triggered it, where either one of you could have done something to break the cycle; then make a commitment to try again the next time.

For example, if either partner responds to feedback defensively, describe that response non-judgmentally, as if holding up a mirror (e.g., "I just told you how I want to be treated, as we agreed I would do, and you continued to criticize me, so I'm feeling tempted to fall back into my pattern of retreating." Or, "You stuck with me this time instead of withdrawing, but it feels as if you want to put the whole blame on me, and that's hard for me to accept. How could we share responsibility for making this more constructive?")

Styles One and Nine Together 

The additional examples below for the One/Nine partnership are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions. You can continue this exercise with more of your own:

(a) Both Nines and Ones are comfortable with routine, perhaps too comfortable. It would be mutually beneficial if they commit together to breaking this pattern. The more fun they make this exercise, the better. Nines can be a bit serious, and Ones, as well, need to develop their wacky side.

(b) The most obvious dynamic where both Ones and Nines stand to gain by self-observation, mutual feedback, and development is in their common difficulty with anger. They both need to identify and describe how their anger shows up, to discuss with each other what triggers it, what form it takes, how aware they are of it, and what alternatives they can create to respond differently.

(c) These partners can complement each other because Nines see many sides of a situation and Ones tend to be black and white in their thinking. At a superficial level they may seem compatible because Nines will tend to accommodate when Ones have strong opinions, but this can get old for both of them (perhaps more for the Nine than for the One):

The Nine viewpoint is a natural counterpoint if Ones choose to develop more creative thinking patterns. Ones could ask Nines: "What are some other ways to think about this?" This is simultaneously developmental for Nines, who learn their opinions do matter.

Nines could ask their One partners for advice on how to take a stand when something's really important. Because Ones love to teach, this brings their natural gift into the relationship and builds their esteem.

(d) Ones can be demanding, and consequently critical when their wishes aren't met. When the Nine doesn't do what the One expects, instead of "Why did you/didn't you...?" (which is really a criticism in disguise) the One can invite an analysis of the process: stating observations in specific, descriptive terms and asking for help to break the dysfunctional interaction. When the One is less punitive, the Nine can more easily stay engaged until the situation is resolved.

(e) It's developmental for style Ones to learn to give more praise, even if someone's behavior doesn't meet their ultimate standard. By using appreciative feedback, aimed at incremental steps in the desired direction, they're released from seeking total perfection. Style Nines benefit from applying the same technique, instead of focusing on what they don't like. Agreeing both will use appreciative feedback offers this pair the opportunity to model and learn from each other.

(f) Both need to practice a centering discipline: style Nine to develop focus, style One to develop patience. They could take a class together in yoga, t'ai chi, and/or meditation and decide together how to apply it in everyday life. In addition, Nines develop by taking initiative, by not waiting for their partners to choose what they do together. So if they do agree to take a class, the Nine could arrange it. Ones forget to take care of their own needs, so it will be mutually developmental if the One reinforces the Nine's efforts by joining in.

Coming Home

These few examples will stimulate your thinking about other ways Ones and Nines together can transcend their old routines and interpersonal "ruts."

In addition, you can apply this model to all your relationships. Keep in mind it's a real loss of your developmental potential to maintain the status quo. Even worse, you can undermine any relationship by acting on negative expectations based on someone's Enneagram style (e.g., "He'll never change; it's too important to him to be right!" or "She'll never take the initiative to change.").

Margaret Frings Keyes says it succinctly:

"The commonest path to self-knowledge...is often not recognized as such. Partnership...is a lifetime training discipline without equal when we pursue it with commitment."

Partnership is also the place where we can come home to ourselves. Through our truly authentic relationships we come to accept ourselves fully.

The Real Bottom Line: Enneagram Three and Seven in Relationship

"Why the hell would you suddenly pull that in here?" shouted Oliver F., the company CFO, at a tense budget planning session. "We agreed at our meeting yesterday how we were going to proceed, and now you come in here with something totally self-serving!"

"No," said Jack B., "when we talked about this yesterday, we did not agree to what you're proposing!"

"That's not true!" Oliver rejoined.

And Jack came back with, "Well, of course it's true, and there are four other people who were there and will back me up!"

Everyone else in the room was frozen in place – mature, experienced people who were beginning to feel like children in business attire – until someone finally called a break. 

Out in the hall Oliver turned to Jack and said, "You're a #@&! liar!"

Jack wondered how this had escalated to such a point, when he'd worked so hard to get buy-in to his budget before the meeting. In addition he was aware that Oliver  –  while he couldn't call the shots without agreement  –  held higher status in the company and was in a particularly key position during a financially troubled year for the company. 

Normally a personable guy, Jack wasn't sure at the moment how to proceed. The only options he saw were to continue an apparently unresolvable conflict, cave in, or take it to Bob, the CEO,  though he knew Bob hated bad news and would be particularly annoyed his so-called "senior" executives couldn't resolve things among themselves without bickering.

From the perspective of any observer it's clear Oliver and Jack's personal attacks had sidetracked their focus on solving a financial problem important to the business, and placed their energy instead on who was right and who was wrong.

You no doubt have plenty of your own examples – situations you've encountered, or problems members of your family or team have described. I've seen this competitive dynamic over and over, and it's a great relief for people to realize there are practical techniques they can learn on their own or with a little coaching help.

In the situation above, for example, Jack was able to improve his relationship with Oliver by using an assertiveness technique for responding to criticism without defensiveness. The next time he and Oliver got into a conflict, it went more like this:

Oliver: "I can't comprehend why you would say that now!" (Starts crunching numbers on the side to show his annoyance and disinterest in resolving their problems.)

Jack: "I can see you're shocked, and I'm surprised too, because I thought we were in agreement. Let's figure out how we can get back on track." (Paraphrases, discloses own reaction, offers solution.)

Oliver: "I don't need to get back on track. You're the one who's off!" (Still in a competitive mode.)

Jack: "Well, I have been known to rethink things between meetings. What have I added that seems new to you?" (Agrees to a possibility, probes.)

Oliver: "I never agreed to sign off on this budget today. I only agreed to discuss it with the rest of the leadership team." (Still in competitive mode, but willing to talk.)

Jack: "I also understood we'd talk with the rest of the team. What would you need to have happen in order to get sign-off?" (Confirms the part he agrees with, offers solution.)

Oliver: "I'd need to be sure your figures are accurate." (Doesn't offer counter-attack  –  a sign he's no longer in a competitive mode.)

Even more powerful for Jack than his new-found skills was the understanding he gained with the Enneagram. This powerful model of nine worldviews goes right to the heart of what makes people tick.

Jack identified himself as operating from style Seven. Charming and easy to talk to, they're the organization's cheerleaders because of their natural optimism and democratic style. Equality is important to them, so they sometimes have difficulty with people like Oliver who try to pull rank. In addition, style Sevens are natural storytellers who -- sometimes unwittingly -- can embellish the facts.

Recognizing these underlying dynamics helped Jack examine some of his own plus and minus characteristics. Enneagram Sevens particularly like to be upbeat; consequently they tend to avoid what's painful. In Jack's case this underlying motivation initially made it difficult for him to deal effectively with Oliver's criticism or to accept his role in their competitive interaction. He wanted to make the whole thing Oliver's fault. Taking responsibility for his piece of it was a big step in the right direction.

Jack also gained understanding of Oliver's Enneagram style Three as someone who's results-oriented and competitive. Coming from this strong bottom-line focus, Oliver was impatient with the more touchy-feely aspects of work situations. Style Threes also have an underlying motive to "look good," so Oliver's buttons were really pushed when Jack challenged him in front of his peers.

In the second go-round, where Jack managed to de-escalate a potentially competitive situation, he allowed Oliver to look good while moving the conversation toward getting results, both guaranteed to work better with Oliver.

Like Oliver, you may wish you could focus on the task at hand, but personality characteristics and the emotional aspects of relationships are an irreducible part of the work equation. Some studies suggest that almost 20 percent of the typical focus in work settings is spent resolving personality conflicts.

The Sky is Falling! Enneagram Four and Six in Relationship

"I'm an Enneagram Four and my husband is a Six. We've recently adopted our first child and, though we're overjoyed to have a new addition in our lives, this is also a sleepless time as we adjust to our new roles. I'm particularly stressed because lately my husband seems less like my helpmate and more like an additional child, whose fears I must constantly calm. I feel as if I live with Chicken Little who's constantly crying "The sky is falling!" Any suggestions about how I can better cope with this portion of my spouse's personality, or ways I can make him feel more secure and less pessimistic?"

First children can be stressful for any number of reasons -- lack of sleep, changing roles, new responsibilities. According to psychologist Frank Pittman in Man Enough, complicated feelings are evoked in men when children enter the family. Children seem to evoke both the Shadow inner child and inner parent.

Further, our society still pushes parenting more squarely on the mother, who may feel as if she now has two children. Actually, this could happen any time the wife nurtures someone else. For example, a Nine wife spent two weeks helping her mother recuperate from broken ribs, expecting she could return to her Eight husband and nestle under his protective arm. WRONG! He was feeling needy because she'd been gone, but of course couldn't admit it, so the re-entry was tough for both of them. 

With the stresses of becoming a mother, it's possible you're connecting more with your Two energy. This has its up and down sides –  on the down side wanting to be reassured the relationship is working and/or being more highly self-absorbed and thus having more difficulty relating to your spouse in customary ways (paradoxically, with increasing fears of abandonment). At the same time he may be showing some Three patterns: self-doubt, a higher need for approval and support, and feeling competitive (of the new child in this case), with increased fear of rejection.

People with Enneagram style Four often have a unique, protective energy toward children and animals (perhaps some internal re-parenting is taking place?), so you may be focusing so much on your new child you're not offering your husband the love and attention he's accustomed to. That's neither good nor bad, but you might ask yourself if you're living some of your own unmet needs from childhood through this new little person in your life?

A friend offered the following:

"My Six husband has been good for me. As a Four who feels flawed, his undying loyalty is a gift: he's there for me. But if we'd met at an earlier point in time – when he was more into his anger and I was more into my self-absorption – it might not have gone so smoothly.

There can be a problem when Fours are very verbal and like to process a lot of emotions, because when a Six is hurting that's the last thing he wants to do, even if she just asks questions. What the Six needs is space.

It can also be a problem when Fours pull back emotionally because of all the attention a child needs, which a Six could take personally. The Six tends to say, 'It's my fault' or 'I've got to fix it.'

Any new mother is going to be physically tired, and the things men take as affirmation will go down the tubes. So it may help if she explains to her husband what's going on: 'Right now I'm stressed out and I'm pulling back because I'm trying to survive.' He'll probably be O.K. with that because it's not about their relationship, he's not looking for a hidden agenda, not worrying she's going to spring something on him."

You can't make your husband feel more secure and less pessimistic; that's his work. But you can look at yourself and work on your own stresses; making it more likely your love for him will be clear and tangible. 

Two Peas in a Pod (Well... one is a Snow Pea): Enneagram Four & Five in Relationship

My wife is an Enneagram Five and I'm a Four. Could you give some relationship growth tips or write a scenario? We know several 4-5 couples; they seem to be complementary. My wife is an ISTP on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and I'm ENFJ.

I agree that Four/Five is often a complementary pairing. I've seen this with friends and with business clients. Both like to "go inside," though as pointed out by Helen Palmer (The Enneagram in Love and Work) and Michael Goldberg (The 9 Ways of Working), the Four's retreat is emotional while the Five's is intellectual. This pairing's comfort with each other is also affected by MBTI preferences. A key MBTI factor for the Four/Five pairing is whether each is extroverted or introverted. 

I say this because Fours and Fives are both "withdrawing" styles, and in this way are more similar than complementary. Friends who want to spend time with them as a couple may not think it's such a great combination, because Four/Fives tend to withdraw together and away from others, especially under stress, and this becomes exaggerated when they're both introverts. 

So when the Four is extroverted, this will mitigate somewhat against the couple's dual tendency to withdraw (it's even possible the Five would be extroverted, though that's rare). When this couple does withdraw, they typically don't see it as a problem. My friends (he's a Four–INFJ, she's a Five–INTP) love nothing better than to sit at home on Saturday night with a good bottle of wine and a roaring fireplace; and it's hard to cajole them into doing anything else. The Four wants to nurse any outstanding wounds left over from the week, and the Five needs a break from interaction with others during the week.  

In terms of development, Enneagram Fours benefit from working toward their ideals and not being "bummed out" by their or others' feelings. Style Fives, being dispassionate observers, can be a good model for this and a good source of advice for Fours. Fives need to place more value on feelings and share their own feelings more generously, which they can learn from their Four partners. Probably the biggest area of mutual growth for this pair has to do with negotiating boundaries. No matter how much they may be a fortress for each other against the stresses of the world, style Four will typically want more attention and interaction than style Five easily gives. It's maturing for Fours to need less interaction and for Fives to give more, so as they accommodate each other they simultaneously develop themselves.

As an aside, if blame is going to occur it will often come from style Four suggesting style Five is somehow deficient. The relationship will be healthier if Fours accept it's easier to pull back than it is to move out. I once suggested the metaphor of a giant sea snail to a style Five client, who could easily see herself ducking back into her shell when emotions were heightened.

FIRO-B is a helpful measure of needs for inclusion and affection (this instrument also measures control needs). The inclusion measure determines the extent of contact an individual seeks and wishes from others; the affection measure determines the amount of closeness a person seeks and wishes from others. If you've been together for a while, you've probably already figured this out in practical terms. But I'd encourage you to check out your assumptions.

A Four in therapy said, "Our efforts last week were a failure. He agreed to show me more appreciation, but it didn't happen!" Her Five partner responded, "But I did! I praised you to our daughter and you were standing right there!" So, when asking for something from the other, make sure you define your needs clearly in behavioral terms ("video-speak," what would it look like if someone saw you?). Then, appreciate each other for incremental steps in the desired direction.

All Things Innocent: Enneagram Eights and Twos

The most interpersonal orientation of all the Enneagram points, individuals at point Two in organizations are typicallyunconditionally caring leaders who derive great satisfaction from the development of others; they're typically great supporters of customer service. On the down side, they can be indirect and even manipulative. And they like to be in the middle of things, whether others want their help or not!

Style Eights who've paid attention to their own development are able to shoulder huge responsibilities without having to control everything. Otherwise they, too, intervene too much, but they're more direct and aggressive than their style Two counterparts: they typically impose their will.

The steps below demonstrate how mutual development could work for partners with Enneagram Eight/Two personality patterns:

1. Talk about your implicit beliefs and explicit behaviors; become aware of mutually self-defeating patterns:

Assuming that each has a stake in the relationship, then each needs to show some vulnerability and own up to a piece of it. Even between two people who start out lacking trust, the willingness of each to listen and learn can build trust.

If you're style Eight, for example, and puzzled by your co-workers' view of you as "vindictive," ask for a description of the behavior they're labeling so you can really see it. If you're style Two and your partner sees you as "manipulative," make sure you've understood exactly what that means.

Face the fact that you don't always look to others the way you look to yourself. Also recognize that the feedback stems from others' perceptions, and those perceptions (right or wrong) affect the quality of your relationship.

2. Create a clear vision for the transformed relationship and commit yourselves to learning as you go:

Having agreed in Step 1 which interaction patterns are self-defeating, pick one or two patterns to address that could make the most improvement in your relationship. Agree to continue observing your own behavior, but also to solicit and accept feedback from each other.

If you're a Two/Eight partnership, you could agree to a commitment from the Eight to seek information about the Two's needs, and a commitment from the Two to be clear and specific with the Eight about what you want.

This will be mutually developmental, because: (a) sensitivity to others' needs helps Eights develop listening skills and compassion; (b) influencing someone directly requires the Two to ask, "What do I need?"

As in Step 1 above, observe your own behavior and solicit feedback from each other. When you're successful in attaining any part of your vision, determine what you did to make that happen and do more of it.

3. Be alert to how you get in the way of your own progress and stay committed to the transformation: 

Note the situations where you slip into habitual, self-defeating routines. Appreciate the fact, for example, that an Enneagram Eight's tendency to come right out with what he or she wants may invite a vicious circle where the Two becomes indirect, further inviting the Eight to take over, reinforcing the Two's indirectness, and so on.

Try to remain nonjudgmental and explore together what triggered this return to an old dynamic. Ask what either one of you could have done to break the cycle. Then make a commitment to try again the next time.

Make sure you let go of negative expectations based on superficial understanding of an Enneagram "number," such as, "Don't expect her to give you any slack when you're sick. She's an Eight, after all, and they don't have any tolerance for weakness!" or "We can't have him on the Steering Committee, he's a Two and you know he'll try to hold us emotional hostage!"

Eights and Twos at their best are caring friends, co-workers, and advocates for teammates or families. Through the learning available in a trusting relationship, style Eights develop innocence, style Twos develop humility. Both of these qualities are reflected in Theodore Roethke's poem, "The Meadow Mouse" (excerpt below):

In a shoe box stuffed in an old nylon stocking
Sleeps the baby mouse I found in the meadow
Where he trembled and shook beneath a stick
Till I caught him up by the tail and brought him in
Cradled in my hand...
 

Do I imagine he no longer trembles when I come close to him?

...I think of the nestling fallen into the deep grass
The turtle gasping in the dusty rubble of the highway
The paralytic stunned in the tub and the water rising
All things innocent, hapless, forsaken.