It Takes Three to Tango

 (the two who dance together, and the dance instructor)

I'm counseling a couple to build a healthy relationship. An inventory on this couple suggested she's an Enneagram Two and Six (split) and he's an Eight. What will be the best techniques to use employing the Enneagram with this couple?

First a caveat: I'm not a therapist. I'm a social psychologist and a good process observer who often uses the Enneagram. I like coaching couples about their Enneagram interaction dynamics because there's immediate feedback. I can help them see these dynamics in action instead of relying on how they tell me they interact. It's very effective to be able to say, "Let's stop a minute and take a look at what just happened..." or "...at what A just said to B..."

Because they learn about themselves as they explore their interaction dynamics, individuals can improve their relationships to some degree without the other member of the partnership present, but that's not quite as powerful, because we can fool ourselves about how well we apply something we've learned. That same deficit is present in anything I might say to this reader because I'm not actually seeing this couple in interaction, playing out their Enneagram dynamics in their own unique way.

But there are some guidelines for effective counseling with the Enneagram. First, I'm curious to know which inventory this reader used. Many people rely on written instruments, or at least use them as supplements to determine their key Enneagram point. Because I've seen so many individuals mistyped using written instruments, I find it much more fruitful to help clients themselves determine their Enneagram styles by distinguishing among all nine. This leads them to take ownership and reduces their defensiveness. More important, they become clear that many behaviors are shared by more than one Enneagram point, and they eventually center on the one that represents their primary fixation. While it's common for those at point Six to identify with point Two when they're first learning the Enneagram, those at point Two usually know they're not at point Six:

The driving force at point Two is pride--there's a tendency to influence indirectly, to be somewhat manipulative and/or seductive, to have difficulty focusing on one's own needs, and--particularly--how one may contribute to relationship problems. Twos like to align themselves with those in power, so if your client is at point Two, she wouldn't necessarily be in conflict with a partner at point Eight. This is often a sexually expressive combination as long as Two is focused on satisfying Eight's needs, but as time goes by, she'll want much more emotional reassurance than Eight typically thinks is necessary.

The driving force at point Six is fear. People here have big-time issues with authority (which would be certain to come up with a partner at point Eight), are pretty open with feelings and eager to learn about themselves but may do some blaming of partners that's often based on projection. Early in their relationship Six would typically seek Eight's protection, but later would begin to see the other as a bully. If your client is at point Six, she might well be looking for more equality in the relationship, as well as intimacy.

When you're the counselor, Eight will want you to tell it like it is, no matter how raw or profane, as long as you let him know you care about him in spite of his rough edges. I don't mean you say this to him, but rather show your appreciation: by laughing at his jokes, by not being intimidated. From my own experience with a client at point Eight, at the end of a day when I'd interviewed his team about his management style, and after showing his delight with my very direct feedback, he walked with me to the gate at the airport and, when we shook hands in parting, held the hand I extended with both of his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mary, thank you for caring." 

About working with clients at point Eight, Suzanne Zuercher (Enneagram Companions) writes:

"Once a trusting atmosphere exists, 8s respond to the director's suggestions about how to gain insight… As they become more free and less fearful they open to methods of interior work with the same gusto they display in other areas of living… All of this energy… will frighten 8s; often they will project this fear onto directors, being tempted to hold their feeling back lest their directors not be strong enough to bear it… Strength but not aggression, power but not contest, honesty but not ruthlessness are what 8s look for in a director."

Clients at point Two, on the other hand, are highly relational, want to be in on everything, and will want a relationship with you. Counselors need to be sure they don't let Two's focus on the counselor's needs take over. They may focus on the other person to avoid dealing with their own needs. It helps to ask the simple question, "What do you need?" or to gently point out how helpful she is and how that pattern--at the same time--gets in her way. 

Zuercher also notes how likely it is at point Two to make flattering remarks as a way to keep the counselor away from uncomfortable topics. She then writes:

"…directors find it hard to cut through superficiality, reporting, and wordiness with their 2 directees… probably best dealt with by pointing out to the 2 what has just taken place, leaving comments on that observation for the directee to make. Many times 2s are not aware of what they are doing and having it described helps them recognize their fear of acknowledging the unpleasant."

Clients are point Six, because of their watchfulness for others' power tactics, may engage in a push-pull interaction with a counselor. In a class I taught on building relationships with the Enneagram, I asked participants to state an intention for their own transformation. A participant who identified at point Six said, "You're the expert, I'd like for you to tell me what I should focus on." 

My answer? "That would be a death sentence for both of us."(If you respond to such a request for advice, you become the authority to rebel against. It's vital for clients at point Six to find their own power.)

When she asked what I meant by "a death sentence" I said, "What do you think it might mean, given the dynamics at point Six?" 

"That I'm the expert on myself?" she asked. 

"Sounds like you're on to something," I said.