The Dynamic Duo - Not! Enneagram Nine Mom, Six Son

My client Jane was trying to understand her Enneagram Six son. "Our confrontations aren't frequent; however, they seem nearly fatal when they do occur. I realize I can't change how a Six behaves, but I need to understand how I can change my reaction. I'm sure you can understand the toll this takes on me as a Nine ... it has a lingering effect I do not want!!"

I shared with Jane this excerpt from Helen Palmer's "Directory of Relationships" (The Enneagram in Love & Work), changing the wording slightly because Palmer was describing a romantic couple:

"A typical interaction shows Nine as the comforter, because their fears are carried and voiced by Six. These two can overlook the depth of their feelings about each other for many years before they finally [realize how much they love each other]. They meet at Three, which means either can suppress emotions when moving into action. It's important that these two learn to risk being angry rather than dimming their energy with nonessentials. Both have trouble taking action, and both find it easier to act in the name of another than for themselves. An all-time low pictures Nine indecision in collusion with Six doubt. The partners cannot move toward goals, and each sees the other as the cause of their mutual procrastination. Either one can break the stalemate about action, and activity is immensely healing to both Enneagram styles, especially when each can pursue a personal agenda without insisting that the other join in. Action breaks inertia for the Nine, and realistic progress softens the Six's fears."

Jane's son Aaron showed a mixture of phobic and counterphobic characteristics; but parents are likely to see more of the counterphobic because they're the original authority figures to style Sixes. Aaron's most frustrating behavior was making promises and then "forgetting" them. He was a good cook and liked to cook, for example, so he offered to cook dinner when his grandmother was visiting; then returned at 8:00 PM saying "Oh, no, I forgot!"

One unhealthy dynamic in this duo is that style Sixes are more comfortable with Nines' anger than with their placidity. They can't stand the anxiety of limbo, and may taunt the Nine until a confrontation occurs. Enneagram Nines and Sixes are both anti-authoritarian - neither wants to be controlled. So Nine parents need to find ways to help Sixes develop their own authority and not be threatened when they do. 

No, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves and pray the changes will elicit something different (and healthier) in those we care about. Jane, who didn't know about the Enneagram until Aaron was in his last year of college, wished she'd understood style Six when he was growing up. 

For example, she remembered with some embarrassment how angry she felt when he took the garbage out on the "wrong" night and how she laid into him in front of his girlfriend. In retrospect, she would have recognized her own fixation of feeling ignored, and possibly have complimented him for covering the possibility they'd miss the garbage collectors if he didn't act.

Where choice and initiative are required, style Nines tend to project their own blind spots onto others. The more out of touch they are with their own agenda, the more critical they can be of someone who has difficulty making a decision. Jane particularly wished she'd known about style Nine's inertia when Aaron was deciding about college. Her Enneagram Eight daughter (first-born) was a brilliant student, and chose her college in her Junior year. So Jane waited for her son (and his high school counselors) to decide what he wanted to do, as her daughter had. Her son had style Six's street smarts, but was not an intellectual. In retrospect Jane realized he'd procrastinated because he doubted his ability to make it in college, and she could have been much more helpful if she'd taken some initiative. Instead her son got the message, "You're 18, you ought to know what you want to do."