Soul-Mates

Friends interested in each other at the soul level do not simply look at each other's lives and listen to each other's intentions and explanations. They look together at this third thing that is the soul, and in that mutual gaze they find and sustain their friendship. Thomas Moore.

All enduring relationships are friendships, whether pals, spouses, or other life partners. With truly mutual affection, we listen and are listened to; we know the other and are known.

Sometimes we're blocked from true mutuality, however, by automatic responses that are personality-bound. Some partners may resist giving up control, for example. Others may jump to judgment, suppress their own needs, feel competitive over their partner's successes, dream unrealistically of a more ideal relationship, have difficulty sharing their emotions or trusting others, avoid deep conversations, or give in too quickly to their partner's preferences. 

These and many other personality attributes, while they can bring complementary gifts to a relationship, also have the potential to exaggerate each partner's down side. 

With a couple I've coached, Barb is a highly relational person in partnership with Joe, who's more independent, more focused on thoughts than feelings. What felt like a complementary strength in the beginning had become a source of criticism:

Barb: "You never tell me you love me."

Joe: "It doesn't feel natural to me. You know I love you. Why do I have to say it?"

Barb: "I've lost a lot of weight and have new clothes, but you never tell me how good I look."

Joe: "Well, you can see that in a mirror. Why do you need to hear that from me?"

When Barb and Joe began to examine their relationship as a system, focusing on what Moore refers to as a "mutual gaze," they noticed how, when Barb pushed Joe to share his feelings, that only led him to withdraw. They agreed to two practices that began to change their automatic responses.

First, Barb agreed to pull back some so Joe had space to enter the pool of emotions, one toe at a time. This gradually reduced his fear of drowning in feelings. She and I also explored her sense of self to develop more intrinsic awareness of her attractiveness as a person (not tied to her outward appearance or compliments). 

Second, Joe had a private session with me where we invented some playful ways to interrupt his pattern of shy withdrawal from emotions. To him, saying "You look great in that outfit" seemed superficial, especially because he'd loved Barb equally before and after her weight loss.

Joe does spend a lot of time in his head and has a terrific, Far Side kind of humor. So I knew I had his interest when we played with ways to exaggerate comments to Barb:

"My darling, you are the goddess of the universe!"
"My beauty, you are the oil paint on the canvas of my life!"
"You look so stunning in that outfit; it makes me want to sing!"

No, Joe didn't actually say those things to Barb (though she would have been good-natured about it because they were focused on mutual development). But creating those outrageously inauthentic phrases made him laugh, and then a simple "I love you" or "You look nice tonight" began to seem easy.

This is what's meant by soul-mates.

The Container of Soul: Mutuality and the Enneagram

Understanding your Enneagram dynamics is a powerful tool to enhance your personal effectiveness and spiritual development. The Enneagram is even more powerful when explored in the context of relationships with others. While each of combination of Enneagram points brings special considerations to the development of mutuality, any combination will offer complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each point's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if your patterns stem from point Three and you're interacting with someone at point Eight, you might find that both of you–for different reasons–are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing that point Two will give point Five a little more space and point Five will accede to point Two's desire for a bit more interaction.

Regardless of the combination of Enneagram styles, the first steps to create mutuality are to value each person's gifts, be sensitive to areas in need of growth, and approach the relationship in ways that are mutually enhancing and beneficial. 

Consciously framing each person's potential development in terms of mutuality includes discussing how the dynamics at one Enneagram point complement the other, as well as mutual blind spots. The examples below, using the Six/Nine combination for illustration, are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions:  

• Although acted out in different ways, both point Six and point Nine show problems with decision-making. At point Nine we may procrastinate while gathering others' opinions and/or seek to build consensus because of difficulty choosing on one's own; at point Six we may procrastinate while gathering more data to develop certainty about the "right" choice and/or worry about how others will judge their decisions. Both may change their minds – at point Nine because we don't want to be pinned down, at point Six because we begin to doubt ourselves. Both, however, rely too much on others' opinions. This is a development area where similarity of focus can be beneficial to both. It's often easier to see someone else's behavior initially, so they could agree to give each other feedback about decision-making behavior and to discuss and look for blind spots in their rationale for delaying decisions. Or they might agree to meet once a week to review decisions and compare notes, each learning from the other. 
• Similarity of focus can also be beneficial in the way both communicate their ideas. Point Nine is known for epic tales; it's sometimes difficult to get a simple answer in a struggle to bring complex awareness of infinite alternatives down to a central theme. At point Six we can feel charged with so many things we want to say that listeners are left trying to figure out the message. For both points, it's useful to ask before speaking, 
• What's my key theme? What are my main points? 
• Who is my audience? 
• What do I want them to understand? 
• Efforts to improve in this area can be mutually developmental, and heighten clarity in general, by: 
• Listening to each other and summarizing what appear to be relevant points and/or 
• preparing and rehearsing with each other to confirm whether or not their message is clear.  
• At point Six we tend to look for hidden agendas--sometimes unnecessarily. At point Nine we tend to look on the bright side – to a fault. It would be mutually developmental in a complementary way if each would consciously seek the other to fill in the flip side and create a more balanced perspective. 
• According to Enneagram theory, both point Six and point Nine have a connection to  achievement-oriented point Three. They can support each other's development by encouraging the upside of their Three connection, stimulating each other to action, accomplishments, and success. For example, they could set deadlines for a mutually valued project and hold themselves and each other accountable to meet specific milestones. 
• Those at point Nine need to assert themselves more, speak up for themselves, confront others directly. When we are at point Six, we do this more readily. Together, these two can observe and discuss how to model for and learn from each other: 

At point Nine we can openly appreciate and imitate point Six's courageous action by being more assertive, while simultaneously helping those at point Six to know when to draw the line between challenging someone and suggesting a solution.

At point Six we can acknowledge and imitate point Nine's patience and graciousness in sometimes giving others the benefit of the doubt, while simultaneously helping those at point Nine to distinguish between self-effacement and diplomatic problem-solving.

• When at point Six, we recognize when we're upset. At point Nine we tend to merge with the partner and may find our own feelings emerging in response to a problem the other person is experiencing: In response to these emerging feelings at point Nine we may withdraw into our own feeling state and/or want to talk about our own feelings and similar experiences, leaving the other person feeling stranded. At point Nine we may also take on the other's problem, playing the role of intermediary in order to seek harmony or stability. It's mutually developmental if the feelings of the one at point Nine are kept separate and the one at point Nine acts as a sounding board for the one at point Six, then encouraging the other to decide what to do (it's important at point Six to experience one's own potency).

Subsequently these companions could focus on discovering and dealing separately with the emerging feelings at point Nine ("Why did I react so strongly? What must I be feeling deep inside?"). At this point, the one at point Six could be the sounding board for the other.

You can use the principles of mutuality to seek interactions that simultaneously develop ourselves and the other person in all our relationships, using the above examples from the point Six/Nine interaction to stimulate your thinking.

Mutuality is a reflection of the shared belief that both people in a relationship can grow, as reflected in this quote from Thomas Moore:

Friendship is the container of soul [and] the soul requires many varieties of vessels and many kinds of spaces in order to work day by day with the raw material life serves up.