New Perspectives

Understanding your Enneagram personality patterns will certainly enhance your personal effectiveness and spiritual development. This work is even more powerful when explored in the context of your relationships with others.

Changes you make may confuse, or even alarm, your friends and intimates. But when you commit to actions of benefit to both of you, the partnership becomes mutually supportive--which reinforces desired changes and builds greater intimacy.

Exploring your Enneagram subtypes can be an added and important element in illuminating the dynamics of a relationship, as illustrated below with an interaction between two friends.

Sally and Oona, both at Enneagram point Nine, had been good friends and colleagues for more than a decade. Sally's instinctual subtype preference, however, was social and Oona's was one-to-one. They had similar values of honesty and integrity in relationship and shared growing concerns about social and environmental problems. Yet Oona made two criticisms of Sally at a dinner party where several other friends were present. It was New Year's Eve, and Barack Obama had just been elected U.S. President.

When their mutual friend, Betty, expressed concern about possibly losing her government-supported job, Sally responded with a passionate discourse about state politicians and their poor allotment of financial resources. Oona listened for a while, then said, "What does that have to do with Betty's concern about losing her job?"

A while later, Sally said she thought Obama's choices of cabinet members would lead to more of the same problems experienced with the Bush administration, but she was, however, happy the U.S. had progressed enough to elect a Black president. Oona said, "I find it interesting that even though Obama had both a white and a Black parent, people refer to him as "Black." Sally said she meant her comment as a celebration of liberalism, but Oona--in what she consciously considered to be a statement of philosophy, not a personal criticism of Sally--looked toward the ceiling and said, "Well, I find it offensive."

Oona promptly forgot about both of her comments. But Sally agonized over them for two days, worried that she seemed insensitive to Betty's job situation and that she'd expressed her political views in ways that turned people off. She called Oona and explained how terrible she felt. Oona, upon being reminded of what she'd said, worried she'd been unfairly harsh. They agreed to meet for lunch and talk things through.

Each took time to think about and take responsibility for her own behavior, and both were committed to work out their differences. Notice how the changes they envisioned were mutually developmental:

Oona admitted she'd been missing one-to-one time with Sally, because they now usually met with a group of friends. She also said she'd been overwhelmed by all the social and political problems Sally raised because she felt powerless to change anything but had tamped down her feelings instead of talking about them openly.

Sally knew she sometimes talked overlong when impassioned about global concerns, but said this was in part because she didn't always feel heard, because her friends didn't respond with interest or take the kinds of actions she felt were vital. She asked how she might talk about her concerns in ways that invited responsiveness and action.

Sally agreed to stop periodically, give Oona time to assimilate and ask questions, and help her think through what actions she could take so she didn't feel so powerless. She also agreed to more one-on-one time with Oona.

Oona committed to speak up when she felt overwhelmed and, instead of tamping down her panic, to ask for specific actions she could take where they shared mutual concerns.

Notice how, even though both were at Enneagram point Nine, the focus of attention for each was quite different, explained in part by the difference in their instinctual subtype focus--social for Sally, one-to-one for Oona.

Note, also, how their agreements to change were mutually developmental and reinforcing:

By speaking up more directly when overwhelmed, Oona could act against her habitual tendency to tamp things down, while also helping Sally break her pattern of talking so long and so intensely that Oona (and probably others) would screen her out.

Sally could feel appreciated that her passionate social concerns were important to Oona, while giving Oona one-to-one attention by discussing specific actions in Oona's areas of interest.

They practiced this mutually reinforcing approach right away. Oona said she was interested in leadership attributes that could lead to new perspectives on world problems. Sally told Oona about a book that spoke to this interest and brought the book to Oona's house later that afternoon. This became a shared, passionate topic for both of them in their future encounters.

The Container of Soul: Mutuality and the Enneagram

Understanding your Enneagram dynamics is a powerful tool to enhance your personal effectiveness and spiritual development. The Enneagram is even more powerful when explored in the context of relationships with others. While each of combination of Enneagram points brings special considerations to the development of mutuality, any combination will offer complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each point's downside. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if your patterns stem from point Three and you're interacting with someone at point Eight, you might find that both of you–for different reasons–are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're at point Two (highly relational) interacting with someone at point Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing that point Two will give point Five a little more space and point Five will accede to point Two's desire for a bit more interaction.

Regardless of the combination of Enneagram styles, the first steps to create mutuality are to value each person's gifts, be sensitive to areas in need of growth, and approach the relationship in ways that are mutually enhancing and beneficial. 

Consciously framing each person's potential development in terms of mutuality includes discussing how the dynamics at one Enneagram point complement the other, as well as mutual blind spots. The examples below, using the Six/Nine combination for illustration, are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions:  

• Although acted out in different ways, both point Six and point Nine show problems with decision-making. At point Nine we may procrastinate while gathering others' opinions and/or seek to build consensus because of difficulty choosing on one's own; at point Six we may procrastinate while gathering more data to develop certainty about the "right" choice and/or worry about how others will judge their decisions. Both may change their minds – at point Nine because we don't want to be pinned down, at point Six because we begin to doubt ourselves. Both, however, rely too much on others' opinions. This is a development area where similarity of focus can be beneficial to both. It's often easier to see someone else's behavior initially, so they could agree to give each other feedback about decision-making behavior and to discuss and look for blind spots in their rationale for delaying decisions. Or they might agree to meet once a week to review decisions and compare notes, each learning from the other. 
• Similarity of focus can also be beneficial in the way both communicate their ideas. Point Nine is known for epic tales; it's sometimes difficult to get a simple answer in a struggle to bring complex awareness of infinite alternatives down to a central theme. At point Six we can feel charged with so many things we want to say that listeners are left trying to figure out the message. For both points, it's useful to ask before speaking, 
• What's my key theme? What are my main points? 
• Who is my audience? 
• What do I want them to understand? 
• Efforts to improve in this area can be mutually developmental, and heighten clarity in general, by: 
• Listening to each other and summarizing what appear to be relevant points and/or 
• preparing and rehearsing with each other to confirm whether or not their message is clear.  
• At point Six we tend to look for hidden agendas--sometimes unnecessarily. At point Nine we tend to look on the bright side – to a fault. It would be mutually developmental in a complementary way if each would consciously seek the other to fill in the flip side and create a more balanced perspective. 
• According to Enneagram theory, both point Six and point Nine have a connection to  achievement-oriented point Three. They can support each other's development by encouraging the upside of their Three connection, stimulating each other to action, accomplishments, and success. For example, they could set deadlines for a mutually valued project and hold themselves and each other accountable to meet specific milestones. 
• Those at point Nine need to assert themselves more, speak up for themselves, confront others directly. When we are at point Six, we do this more readily. Together, these two can observe and discuss how to model for and learn from each other: 

At point Nine we can openly appreciate and imitate point Six's courageous action by being more assertive, while simultaneously helping those at point Six to know when to draw the line between challenging someone and suggesting a solution.

At point Six we can acknowledge and imitate point Nine's patience and graciousness in sometimes giving others the benefit of the doubt, while simultaneously helping those at point Nine to distinguish between self-effacement and diplomatic problem-solving.

• When at point Six, we recognize when we're upset. At point Nine we tend to merge with the partner and may find our own feelings emerging in response to a problem the other person is experiencing: In response to these emerging feelings at point Nine we may withdraw into our own feeling state and/or want to talk about our own feelings and similar experiences, leaving the other person feeling stranded. At point Nine we may also take on the other's problem, playing the role of intermediary in order to seek harmony or stability. It's mutually developmental if the feelings of the one at point Nine are kept separate and the one at point Nine acts as a sounding board for the one at point Six, then encouraging the other to decide what to do (it's important at point Six to experience one's own potency).

Subsequently these companions could focus on discovering and dealing separately with the emerging feelings at point Nine ("Why did I react so strongly? What must I be feeling deep inside?"). At this point, the one at point Six could be the sounding board for the other.

You can use the principles of mutuality to seek interactions that simultaneously develop ourselves and the other person in all our relationships, using the above examples from the point Six/Nine interaction to stimulate your thinking.

Mutuality is a reflection of the shared belief that both people in a relationship can grow, as reflected in this quote from Thomas Moore:

Friendship is the container of soul [and] the soul requires many varieties of vessels and many kinds of spaces in order to work day by day with the raw material life serves up.

  

The Dynamic Duo - Not! Enneagram Nine Mom, Six Son

My client Jane was trying to understand her Enneagram Six son. "Our confrontations aren't frequent; however, they seem nearly fatal when they do occur. I realize I can't change how a Six behaves, but I need to understand how I can change my reaction. I'm sure you can understand the toll this takes on me as a Nine ... it has a lingering effect I do not want!!"

I shared with Jane this excerpt from Helen Palmer's "Directory of Relationships" (The Enneagram in Love & Work), changing the wording slightly because Palmer was describing a romantic couple:

"A typical interaction shows Nine as the comforter, because their fears are carried and voiced by Six. These two can overlook the depth of their feelings about each other for many years before they finally [realize how much they love each other]. They meet at Three, which means either can suppress emotions when moving into action. It's important that these two learn to risk being angry rather than dimming their energy with nonessentials. Both have trouble taking action, and both find it easier to act in the name of another than for themselves. An all-time low pictures Nine indecision in collusion with Six doubt. The partners cannot move toward goals, and each sees the other as the cause of their mutual procrastination. Either one can break the stalemate about action, and activity is immensely healing to both Enneagram styles, especially when each can pursue a personal agenda without insisting that the other join in. Action breaks inertia for the Nine, and realistic progress softens the Six's fears."

Jane's son Aaron showed a mixture of phobic and counterphobic characteristics; but parents are likely to see more of the counterphobic because they're the original authority figures to style Sixes. Aaron's most frustrating behavior was making promises and then "forgetting" them. He was a good cook and liked to cook, for example, so he offered to cook dinner when his grandmother was visiting; then returned at 8:00 PM saying "Oh, no, I forgot!"

One unhealthy dynamic in this duo is that style Sixes are more comfortable with Nines' anger than with their placidity. They can't stand the anxiety of limbo, and may taunt the Nine until a confrontation occurs. Enneagram Nines and Sixes are both anti-authoritarian - neither wants to be controlled. So Nine parents need to find ways to help Sixes develop their own authority and not be threatened when they do. 

No, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves and pray the changes will elicit something different (and healthier) in those we care about. Jane, who didn't know about the Enneagram until Aaron was in his last year of college, wished she'd understood style Six when he was growing up. 

For example, she remembered with some embarrassment how angry she felt when he took the garbage out on the "wrong" night and how she laid into him in front of his girlfriend. In retrospect, she would have recognized her own fixation of feeling ignored, and possibly have complimented him for covering the possibility they'd miss the garbage collectors if he didn't act.

Where choice and initiative are required, style Nines tend to project their own blind spots onto others. The more out of touch they are with their own agenda, the more critical they can be of someone who has difficulty making a decision. Jane particularly wished she'd known about style Nine's inertia when Aaron was deciding about college. Her Enneagram Eight daughter (first-born) was a brilliant student, and chose her college in her Junior year. So Jane waited for her son (and his high school counselors) to decide what he wanted to do, as her daughter had. Her son had style Six's street smarts, but was not an intellectual. In retrospect Jane realized he'd procrastinated because he doubted his ability to make it in college, and she could have been much more helpful if she'd taken some initiative. Instead her son got the message, "You're 18, you ought to know what you want to do."